"I need to crush up that Bucks bones to thicken my famous chili yall."

-My sisters apartment is on Lois Lane. The boss of the corny urban developer that pitched that idea was like, “Okay Martha, I’ll humor you this time, but if you pitch Broken Dreams Boulevard again, it’s gonna mean your job.”

- TimesNewRoman would totally have been my screen name if I was a teenager in Italy.

- I always hear people say that they would, “do really well in a Zombie invasion.” But those same people would freak out if even ONE homeless man approached them today.

- How did Hitler settle on the outstretched right arm as his “heil Hitler” salute? Talk about an intense meme. There were definitely other ideas rejected from that board meeting.

"It's down to this and the arm thing, Hitler, you gotta be the tiebreaker here, man...which one you wanna move forward with?

- I bet there has been some bullshit “green” advertising campaign where some company tried to, “Support Our Troops…in recycling!”

- When did shaved heads become a standard practice in the US Military? I envision WWII guys to have Anderson Cooper type comb overs, smoking cigarettes and dealing with the enemy in a classy way. What happened? Now every dude has a buzz cut to the max!

"Shall we have a spot of tea before we invade Berlin?"

- I often find myself shouting, “I’VE GOT TO GET YOU INTO MY LIFE!” like Paul McCartney at least twice a week.

-Is it vain to love your own handwriting? Speaking of which, how many of you have been sitting with a group of people and exchanged signatures? “Oh, yours is good, this is mine.”  Inevitably someone will make the joke, “What are you, practicing your autograph?”

- The vacant apartment below me has a smoke detector with a dying battery. It beeps loudly every 2 minutes. I am slowly…..slowly going insane.

- Why aren’t the Pennsylvania Dutch nearly as cool as real Dutch people?

"Get off these bails of marijuana son, we have work to do. Fetch me my vaporizer."

Ideally: “Oh my god! Cuba, I really think you are awesome! Your range and skill level is, like, what all actors should strive to be. CUBA! Wow, Dude, when you shot down those Japanese planes in Pearl Harbor, I got chills!! Look, I’m getting chills right now just talking about it! Cuba, thank you. Thank you and keep making movies man. You are awesome. Quit making those “Snow Dogs” bullshit, straight to that cardboard bin of straight to DVD movies they have near the aisles at Wal-Mart. You are the shit! Congrats on this movie too man.

Realistically: “Oh my God! Uhhh, I’m a big fan. Haha.”

"Oh and Terrance Howard....heyy."

- There’s a scene in the “Deserts” episode of Planet Earth where a flash flood starts slowly entering a sandy, arid desert. If I was lost out there, and all of the sudden a flowing cascade of fresh water rolled towards me, I would just look at the sky and give it a “fishermans head nod”.

Fisherman’s Head Nod: A faint move of the head downwards signifying approval and acknowledgement- all while maintaining a straight face.

ex: the look a fisherman would give to the guy at the pier that catches his rope.

"I see you."

- Scientists recently have discovered a new species of frog previously undiscovered. The frog is smaller than a dime! So small, in fact, that it fits inside the seal in the middle of the dime. My question: who spotted that? Some nature explorer guy was probably pissing or something and looked up at the tree and was like, “What the……what the fuuuuck?”

"Marty! I was just about to cut down this tree but come get a look at this shit!"

- Does anyone else find it sad that Elizabeth Hurley has resorted to narrating vacuum commercials?

- I like how both Lil Wayne and Eminem start slow but speed up in this song:

- Think of how great a lesbian porn could be if it took place in a natural cave like Luray Caverns.

"We've got a lot of ground to cover Becky..."

- An insightful quote from The Officere-run I saw today: “Confidence: the food of the wise man and the liquor of the fool.”

thanks Vikram.

- Fort Lauderdale is known as the “Venice of America” because the city has 185 miles of local waterways. True Dat Fact.

"Yep, we're just like an ancient city built on pylons that is unlike any other place on the planet....except Ft. Lauderdale, Florida."

- Babyface Nelson, the bank robber, hated his nickname. I can see him getting ribbed by some other bank robber friends and beginning friendly but ending mean like, “HA HA guys, I get it, very funny. Alright. Okay. Shut the fuck up, okay? That’s enough. Enough already.”

- J.G. Wentworth is probably in some serious debt.

"It's your money, and I kinda need to use some of it now."

- Santa Claus sounds like he could be a very high up Nazi. One that even other Nazi’s feared. He would walk past and they would whisper, “Zat’s de Santa Claus.”

Merry Christmas with my favorite XMas Song:

- Personally, I wish there was more use of the term Kris Kringle. Thats a sick name. Old St. Nick is cool too, but Kris Kringle sounds like a rapper or something.

- So the war has officially ended in Iraq. What will Toby Keith do now? I bet a few songs about, “Boys coming home” and shit.

"They unpacked their bags and kissed their wife hello, THEN THEY DRANK A BUD AND SAT ON THE PORCH WITH THE AMERICAN FLAG."

- A crazy woman today looked at me, looked down at her new Converse, looked back at me and said, “20 bucks.” To which I replied, “……awesome.”

- The woman that lives in the apartment above my girlfriends wears high heels ALL the time. 8am, 6pm, 3am. One time, we heard her having sex with someone…than minutes later high heels. I wouldn’t be surprised if she made the guy wear them or something.

- I remember in school when we did projects on business we always used cereal boxes. All Kellogg cereals, we found, were made in Battle Creek, Michigan. Remember that? I always thought that was such a violent name for being the birthplace of my favorite cereal. I imagine cereal to be made somewhere more like Fluffy Kingdom, Wyoming or Sugar City, New Mexico. Battle Creek just seems vulgar.

"GET THE LUCKY CHARMS!"

"I'm actually growing a tree with my own shit right now!"

- Ya don’t hear much from Omarion these days?

- So, the Lindsay Lohan Playboy pics have leaked. It is pretty much like seeing a girl you’ve known all your life naked for the first time. More specifically, a girl that transferred to your high school but joined a sorority in college that introduced her to a lot of drugs and clubs in, “the city.”

Regardless of her current reputation, go to 2:39 to find out  how I felt when I saw the pics for the first time:

- Next time you do a cheers with someone, just rub your glass on theirs like a cat rubbing against your leg and say, “mmm”. That is what I like to call, Creepy Cheers.

- I like to envision the roll call on the first day of a high school class where a teacher says, “Jane……Mary?”  The girl, a living hemp plant, responds in a deep voice, “Sup.”

"Is there a final on April 20th? Cause I got a thing."

- I was recently reading Hemingway’s, A Farewell to Arms at work one day. My coworker Antoinette, a very large, Italian woman with a blunt New York attitude asks me:

Antoinette: “What choo readin?”

Me: “Oh, A Farewell to Arms.”

Antoinette: “What?!? You readin love stories now? Like a queer?”

To which I confusedly responded:  ”…….it’s Ernest Hemingway.”

- I depressingly stated to my roommate that at this point next year we will be one week away from the supposed end of the world. Dec 21, 2012. Dear god. Enjoy 2011 as long as you can. Just pretend like the kid in the below video says, “Gee, I can’t wait till I’ll be in 2012.”

- When ordering Mexican food I account for pick-up  time, eat time, digestion time and potential time it would take me to have a violent shit. And ya know, I’m not too sure that 4 hours is enough time.

- The Van Gogh-Go’s would make a great name for a all female, go-go band.

"We're here to PARTY and remind you of his introduction to bright colors when he settled in Paris."

- New Orleans History Time: So get this shit. A Spanish explorer named Pineda was among the first Spainiards to map the Gulf Coast. So he’s riding around in his boat and sees the Mississippi River.

He was like, “Get the fuck out of here! The Mississippi lets out right here? Damn. Shit. I gotta tell my boss back home.”

"We could use this."

So Pineda writes his homies back in Spain like, “Look, we gotta settle here, perfect spot, right on the water.” His Spanish, idiot bosses were like, “Ya know what? Nahh. We’re good. Good eye, but I think we’re good.” Pineda moved out but soon those weird French rolled down from Canada and were like, “We just love it here! It’s just so quaint, we love it.”

And thats how the French originally got into what is now New Orleans/Louisiana. I find that so funny! How the history of the world is now so different because one guy was like, “Ya know what, I’ll pass.”

"Ummmm, I'm actually not interested but thank you so much. Thanks though."

“When is this train gonna get here!? My Nordic ancestors would be mighty furious if they knew that I, Sven Kaarlson, was waiting for public transportation. Uncle Rothbert always used to say, “Sven, whenever possible you must transport yourself.” Well Uncle Rothbert, it seems I have let you down this evening. At least I have my bike with me. If only I didn’t have so much luggage! Ooof, this is heavy. When, will this train arrive!!! I’m begging to sweat from both the anxiety and this searingly hot halogen directly over my head. As uncomfortable as I am I must remain in the light and as stoic as possible to attract a fine blonde haired woman. I know there is one standing next to the pole over there. I can’t quite make out what she’s reading, hopefully a Norweigan epic poem. What are the odds right?”

Man: Oh, look honey! A dog! Wow, what a cute dog! Ya know, back in Tulsa my cousin Charlie has a dog that looks just like that. Well, he had brown hair, but basically it was the same dog. Wow, what a breed. What. A. Breed. Honey, take a picture of that for me would ya? I’d love to send it to Charlie. He’d sure get a kick out of that.

Woman: I’m FUCKING TRYING TO GET IT, DEREK! Jesus, I got it okay? I’m getting it!

Man: Woah, honey. I’m just asking you to…

Woman: No, no, its pretty clear what you are doing.

Man: That dog looks just like Char…

Woman: Enough about the dog, Derek! This is OUR vacation to New York. I am sick of hearing how everything reminds you of Charlie! I’m your wife god dammit! Let’s just share a single fucking moment together! It’s Charlie thissss and Charlie that! Just give it a rest already, would ya?

Man: But……..that dog…

Woman: Jesus CHRIST, I’m going to Starbucks. Put the camera back in your purse.

“HELP ME!!!!!! SOMEONE! ANYONE!!! YOU! YOU, OVER THERE! STOP TAKING PICTURES AND HELP ME! IM FREEZING!! DON’T LET MY OUTWARD SERENITY FOOL YOU, I AM BEING BEATEN REGULARLY. I’M CLEARLY CHAINED TO THIS MAILBOX. YOU, OLD MAN WITH A WEDGIE NEAR THE BUS! HELP ME! WHO WILL SHOW MERCY??”

- Speaking of Zimmern, I wonder if he ever goes down on a woman, looks up at her, then chuckles to himself. She laughs too because, well, his job is like, well, you know.

"Have we met before?"

- I wish Dr. Dre pronounced his name like “Dree.”

- I have no idea where my college diploma is.

- You ever go to a restaurant, decide what you want and then close the menu. Then, when the waiter comes, you for some reason feel the need to re-open the menu to order? Why do humans do this?? You know what you want! Just say it! Next time you go out to eat, you’ll remember this shit.

- So Occupy Wall Street people are adamantly protesting the 1%. I bet all of those 1% are in some big conference room like, “Well, how about we just turn off their power, internet, cable, gas supply, cell service, clothing, airlines, checking accounts, coffee supply, water supply, and the entire entertainment industry. That’ll shut them up.”

- Before I got on the bus in DC to come back to NYC, I stopped at the Union Station Starbucks. There, I waited about 10 minutes and it wasn’t even busy. One would think that the service at a train station would be prompt, but alas it was clear none of them went to high school. That’s definitely a logical fallacy but fuck it.

"HURRY the fuck u...oh, wait. Okay, keep doin that."

-  The song “Poppin Bottles” came on random last night. Such a funny way to start a song! I would love to roll into an all-black club with this blasting. Actually, I’ve already done that.

- So, this picture was taken from the top of my double decker bus into DC. It is a mini mart with BLOODY handprints surrounding the sign. My guess, they doubled as a Halloween store or there was a very injured man desperately trying to reach the Z-Mart sign, but to no avail.

"If I could just....reach....the...Z..." (gunshot)

- Furthermore, what type of business PAINTS bloody handprints on their white walls?

- And now for todays depressing TRUE DAT FACT: Flo Rida’s, “Low” has sold 8 million copies – the same as The Beatles’, “Hey Jude”

- I bet that Dyson vacuum guy has put his penis into at least one of his machines.

"This is Marie and she loves me."

- Sometimes I don’t know why I even bother brushing my teeth in the morning. If you wake up and don’t eat breakfast, brush your teeth, then STILL don’t eat – you get the same weird taste in your mouth that you had when you woke up. C’mon toothpaste companies. This seems like an easy fix.

- I am sitting next to 2 people that look like they just got back from a vacation at Occupy Wall Street. They are a weird mix of drifter, hippie, activist and traveler.

He can afford a $14 bus ticket apparently

- There are so many times when I go through my iTunes/iPod and say, “I fucking hate all of these songs.” I then fall into a 2 minute depression, thinking about how I have no musical taste whatsoever and that I couldn’t name 5 current bands that I listen to. Then I put on some DMX and am lifted out of the swampy depths of musical lethargy.

- I would have inserted a video but my bus’ WiFi blocks YouTube. Which, when you think about it, is the only site you want to go on during a long bus ride. Right?

- VagaBONG would be a great name for a piece.

- Bus travel is a wonderful, cheap way to get around. That being said, having to sit for 4 hours as people open and close the bathroom that smells of port-a-potty and asparagus is a very mild form of torture.

the culprit

- I always thought that “hydroplane” sounded like a really awesome craft that can take you over the water very fast.

- Who determined  Interstate 95′s number? Why not 76? or 3? or 981? We settled on 95 no questions asked? Was there a vote?

"I want to to be called Cherry Lane GOD DAMMIT! YES, THE WHOLE THING, MARTIN!"

- I saw Jake Gyllenhall on the street the other day. Much to my surprise* his skin was a lot blacker than it appears in the movies.

- Sometimes I wish that I lived when there was no phones or internet or TV. I think I would fare pretty well in that world. A world where I didn’t have to email people all the time immediately after they email me, as not to appear rude of course. A place where I can’t be spoken to in a vehicle by anyone that is not in said vehicle. Ya know, a more peaceful world where letters are still very important. Maybe one day.

- I finished reading a book by Voltaire last night. Yeah, I’m smart dog.

- I often feel that I am in some movie where I become a great leader AFTER the current world has already ended. Ya know, like in zombie movies how a security guard becomes the most agile person in a pack of survivors. Like that. Like, I don’t know it yet, but when the world ends I’m a pretty important guy.

This Post-Apocalypse Mike Is

- I can’t recall the last time I went to a Red Lobster.

*Surprise is a word that I consistently misspell. I always forget the “r” before the “p”.

“Hi, I’m the Persian businessman on the left. Two things I love are Pumpkin Spice Lattes and my Persian community here in Queens. In fact, my partner (right) and I are about to give a lecture to about 170 local Persian business owners. I thought I could make a joke from the movie 300, ya know, something the Spartans would say to the Persians in that movie. Maybe I will pretend to kick my partner down an imaginary well. Whatever I do, it’s gonna be funny as hell. They will laugh because I’m Persian too and it won’t be offensive. Know your audience, right? I just hope I don’t jumble my words on the punchline. Then I’ll kick my partner down a very real flight of stairs.”

“I’m the 40 year old guy that is going back to school. It’s hard for me, ya know, cause I have this infinity symbol tattooed on my neck. People always ask, “Byron, what does that mean?” I always say, “It means everything.” They don’t get it, so I end up just saying that 8 is my favorite number. I’m going back to school to be a teacher. I know, right?! Who would have thought back in highschool that, “Back of the class Byron” would EVER be a teacher. I know I gave all my teachers a hard time back then. Now I want to teach History and really get in the kids heads. I just hope there aren’t any hot chicks in my classes. I think the old Byron might have to grab some new ass. Haha, jk. But sometimes I think, “What if there IS an 18 year old in my class that wanted to fuck AND wanted to keep it a secret?” I think I’d go for it.”

“I’m Willow Smith.”

Rave TONIGHT at 432 Sycamore Lane!

- Starbucks and Starburst should team up on something. Their names are basically the same.

- I stopped myself from going on a spree of FB comments that simply said, “I support it.” One in reference to a masturbating man that goes to all NYC Starbucks, the other in regards to a person going as the bi-racial son of Blade for Halloween.

i support it

- Why is it that when you leave a restaurant, you feel obligated to say, “thank you” to as many employees that they see. Why tell a waiter you didn’t have that, “everything was great!” Just doesn’t need to happen.

- 

——-The following is the first ever guest post by Mr. T.M. Scholtes ———–

- While driving on some back roads, I took notice of the thousands and thousands of telephone poles that people actually had to cement into the ground so that we could have nationwide communication. I’m sure they’re all dead now, but I guess it would suck to know that all your work, although revolutionary, is now completely useless. Unless you need a payphone to get out of the Matrix…

"For thousands of years our hard work will be rev.....what's that?...wirele...what? FUCK YOU."

- Some Sundays I will wake up, and my roommate will say, “only 16 more hours until you’re back at work!” Like, thanks for the heads up man.

-  Apparently there are certain dogs that have been trained to smell if you have certain diseases like cancer. But what else could they train them to smell? I would hate to be in that 9^th grade health class where they bring in a dog and it just starts barking at the slutty girl.

"Mista Jenkins, why he barkin and me and stuff?"

- I wonder if competitive eaters are actually a stronger evolutionary type than us regular eaters. If those people can gorge 68 hotdogs in such a short time, could they possibly live if there was a short supply of food? Are they better adapted for the harsh post-Mayan apocalypse?

lost a friend while drunk in Toronto, arm wrestled a Mexican man with a rat-tail in NYC, rollerbladed to the White House, had a Slovakian man shout at me while in the Netherlands that he, “loves Maryland,” broke into the Caesars Palace pool in Las Vegas, drunkenly sang 311 karaoke in New Orleans, had police order me to pour out handles of liquor in my own Florida hotel room, been on a plane that landed – then immediately took off again, had someone throw up on my head at a Brooklyn concert, seen Anderson Cooper texting on the street,  been told to “neck” a beer by 2 cops in London, broken up a potential fight on the streets of Baltimore…

(i think thats about all I’ve done.)

-Adolf Hitler, a man know for being a pretty serious guy, had a favorite movie, Metropolis.  I cannot image Hitler relaxing. Period. Let alone watching movies recreationally. At what point in his busy day was he ever like, “ya know what, lets pop in a movie.”

Finding Nemo is....wow. Just, wow.

I can see Hitler liking The Social Network   

-Einsten is well know to have done some weird shit. He used sit in his chair, in silence, for hours, just thinking. No book. No music. In complete silence. Imagine if someone walked in on that! Or, how creeped out would his family have been? They would always whisper:

“What’s he doing in there?”

“I don’t know, Margaret. He’s been acting so strange lately.”

"Albert, it's 1AM, PLEASE, eat something!"

-Rejected line from earlier Hitler story AND a subtle shout out to my high school history teacher: “You guys wanna go to the movies?  They’re air conditioned.”

- Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Talk about paying taxes, am I right dat fact?

-Have you ever wanted to text someone, “ok” and abbreviated it as, “k” – then gotten carried away and texted, “kkk”? It happens, I know.

text 1: "kkk i'll see you soon." - text 2: "wtf! I just said kkk! haha, wat? see you soon haha."

-Why is there a large blank spot below this? It’s FOR YOU!!! I want to start including writing, jokes, one liners, stories and such from my friends and readers. They can be anonymous or very much credited to you. So if you have something you’d like me to include, email me at mikegabaly@gmail.com and I’ll totally put it up!