people say these are the most crucial things in life

-When I break up with a girl, I’d like to communicate with her based on the social feature on Spotify. You know what I’m talking about? How people can see what songs you’re listening to?  First I’ll start off with things like, “She Fuckin’ Hates Me,”  “Master of Puppets” and, “Break My Stride” then slowly move towards, “I’m In Love With a Stripper,”  “Yes, I’m Changing” and, “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

Man watching TV
This theory can also work with titles on a shared Netflix account if I’m still on it. She’ll be like, “I don’t remember watching ‘Blacklist’ and ’10 Things I Hate About You’ recently.”

-I want to start a fashion show where the models are all sitting in the new line of clothing and the audience/paparazzi walks on the catwalk admiring the Spring collection as they briefly go past.

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did you see that cameraman’s Nikon? like seriously, bro? what is this? 2015?

-I have found myself in a few conversations recently where people will say that, they believe, their iphone is eavesdropping on their conversations and then targeting Facebook ads based on what is overheard.

For example, my friend and I were talking about a rental car agency that is app based, the next day he got an ad for the same service I was speaking of…even though I never mentioned the name.  Coincidence? Perhaps.

If such a looming digital presence is, in fact, real, how do they accomplish this? Is some guy somewhere with headphones tuning in like, “I wonder what shit Mike is talking about tonight in his living room? He needs to be fucked with tomorrow. Oh, great, he’s talking about spatulas…I got just the thing.”

I guess this odd social phenomena affects most everybody. Unless you speak in sign language, in which case, you’re safe. They haven’t cracked that one yet. #perksofbeingdeaf

If this was real, what kind of conversations are the advertisers having in their boardrooms? “Look, we know we need to promote our Spatulas on Spotify and Radio, but I also want a medium that’s as menacing as fucking possible….anyone have any ideas?”

Secret Service Agent Listens To Earpiece, Side
“wait, wait, wait. hang on. Mike just started talking about losing his Aux cord….add it to the queue.”

-Mergers and Acquisitions are making big companies bigger, effectively eliminating anything that stands in their way. I can see a fictitious news show one day reporting: “And in big news today, Hate has acquired Love for $1.3 Trillion in a move most investors didn’t see coming. We have Chuck Davis here from Love, Chuck, what does this merger mean for us? Can we still expect the same Love experience now that we know it is an affiliate of Hate? What does this mean for your brand?”

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Chuck: “Well Erica, we’re excited to announce that we’re re-branding this Spring and will officially be known as Lust. For all you Love supporters out there, don’t worry, we will be offering most of our same services, just a bit more in line with our parent company’s identity and mission statement. It’s exciting for us, Erica. It’s going to bring us to a new, younger generation.”

-When sending out a Facebook invite, some people blanket invite everyone whereas I purposely won’t invite people I know aren’t coming. I’m just tryna keep my stats up. I can’t have all my “Goings” see all the “Can’t Gos” and be like, “Hmm, do I really wanna do this?”

-I was in Miami this past weekend setting up some set pieces for an event at the Dolphins Stadium. Usually, when setting up these pieces I need to hire some labor guys to assist me putting everything in place. These labor guys are usually a bit rough around the edges, think of this one in particular like: truck driver/forklift operator/guy hanging around a home depot etc.

This guy overheard me saying that I live in New York and asked me what part I lived in. I told him and he quickly interjected, “Ohh, man, I go to New York like 12 times a year at least.” Surprised, I was like, “Really? Why’s that? Are you from there?”

To answer my question, the man made a diamond with his two thumbs and index fingers and then placed it over his crotch, symbolizing a vagina while saying nothing else. Humored and relatively disgusted by this man’s lack of tact I awkwardly replied,  “Yeah….yeah, I get that.” Not sure what the response should be to a guy that travels to NY a dozen times a year for ‘pussy’ but I think I handled it well.

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“Yeah, I’ve known this one lady up there for 10 years or so. No place like NY. To quote Lil Wayne, ‘My nuts hang like there aint no curfew,’ am I right, brother? You know how it is.”

– Can we talk about some bullshit? Let me set the scene: I go to an off-brand coffee house and pay with a credit card on an iPad. Once the chip has been read, the barista swivels the iPad to me and the screen asks if I want to tip. All the while the barista, a person that literally filled a cup with black iced coffee, stares on with a, “well, mother fucker??” stare. A few thoughts:

  1. If I had just paid cash, this little interchange would never have happened. No I’m not tipping you. I just want an iced coffee that you happen to have already in that pitcher. To me, it’s equivalent to a doorman flashing an iPad at me as he’s pulling the handle.
  2. Tipping is my prerogative but in this instance, under the watchful gaze of the coffee cashier, it feels compulsory. Waiters don’t drop off the check and stand there as you fill in the tip line and sign your name. They have the common decency of walking away and leaving you alone.
  3. The sheer pressure a consumer feels in those few seconds with the iPad is a mix of shame and indecision often leading to the inevitable, “well, fuck it. it’s just a buck.” Those bucks add up my friends.
  4. Lastly, I have to tip you BEFORE trying the coffee? Talk about a risky investment.

Remember this the next time you are put into this position and confidently select “No Tip” because there are other people out there that feel your pain.

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today is the day when the world declared in one voice: ‘We will not go quietly into the night!’ ‘We will not vanish without a fight!’ ‘We’re going to live on!’ ‘We’re going to survive!’
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woke up in a dream state in a cold sweat like I got hit with a freeze ray during a heat wave

-I always find it odd that when I  deposit a check at the bank, the teller is usually the first person to excitedly tell me that I can now deposit my money remotely via their new app feature. I wonder if they realize that, in doing so, they are slowly eliminating the need for their own occupation.

Hypermarket clerk filling up storage racks
“woah, woah, woah. what are you doing here, man? dude, haven’t you heard of FreshDirect? they deliver groceries to your door. you, like, never have to come in here again. google it. seriously.”

– Should the people that help finance the construction of churches also be called Angel Investors? Similarly, I want to start a show about a sex-addicted prosecutor called Guilty Pleasures. It would totally work on ABC.

– I want to start messing with my IT guy by setting my passwords to extremely vulgar things and pretending that I need his help in retrieving it for me.

“I got it for you, Mike. It’s uhh… pussysavage87.”

Note to Self: brushing your teeth moments after putting lotion on your hands creates an unnecessarily difficult situation for you to deal with.

-These days, if you’re unhappy with your job a lot of people will say some shit to you like, “Well, why don’t you start your own company?” Woah, woah, woah me wanting a new or different job is not the same as me saying I want to become an entrepreneur all of the sudden. I’m just talking about a cooler job at a different place not learning about tax structures and business development.

-I wonder what will happen to all of the people that are currently hunting Nazi’s around the world in about 10 years when they are all assuredly dead?

Interviewer: “Well George, I see on your resume here that you spent the last 35 years tracking down Nazi war criminals in South America, what brings you to social content management for Etsy?”                                                                                                                                                  George: “To be transparent with you Linda, all the Nazi’s must be dead. It’s a math thing. Did I mention persistence is one of my best traits?? I’m only kidding, that’s a Nazi Hunter joke haha. Anyway, tell me more about what your competitors are doing on Twitter.”

– I saw a random new app advertised the other day like, “It’s like UBER for Restaurants.” What the fuck does that even mean? It makes no real sense if you think about it. Can a restaurant come to my door and shuttle me somewhere? I think not. What’s next in this pattern of things that make no sense? “It’s like Tinder for finding a Dentist,” or “It’s like Google Maps for Mattresses” maybe, “It’s the IMDB of Recycling.”

True Dat Fact: For every human on Earth there are 1.6 million ants. Think about that.

– This whole thing with HGTV shows is that they really want to dress up the curb appeal of the property. Curb Appeal? I don’t want criminally minded people driving by like, “Damn, that’s a nice house. Really makes me wonder what they have inside. I mean, if the outside looks like THIS….” If anything, I’m gonna purposely let the outside of my house fall into disrepair so people drive by like, “Damn, I’ll be gettin’ tetanus if I try that shit.”

little do they know the inside is open concept with plenty of storage.

-I was riding my bike home last night when two jackasses crossed in front of me on a, “Don’t Walk” sign. Near them, I lowly and very calmly said, “Oh, yeah, no. No. It’s cool.” They heard me. At which point, I ran over an unseen glass bottle and it shattered so loudly that I unexpectedly yelled, “OH MY GOD!” After my outburst, one of the jaywalkers said in my direction, “Karma’s a bitch.” Now, let’s discuss this a second:

  1. I did nothing wrong.
  2. They jaywalked into the flow of traffic and thought they would get away with it. They didn’t. In fact, THEY set off a butterfly effect that then caused a perfectly innocent motorist to then break  a glass. If anything, I should have responded,  “SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SET INTO MOTION?!?”
  3. In what way is that karma? Karma isn’t when one thing happens after another thing. Sure, the glass breaking is a dramatic and unforeseen occurrence after you got called out but it isn’t a karmic incident. Karma would be me, later, crossing on a red light and getting yelled at by a taxi driver. See the difference? That guy was an idiot.

    karma IS a bitch you jaywalking piece of shit.

-I was on a flight recently where the flight attendant was clearly one of the types that loved her little shtick. She was obviously an ex-actress, in her mid-forties, african american, a little heavier, super animated. Her shtick was listing things when going through safety procedures. Example, “The overhead bins are for your carry-on items only. They are not for your jackets, your overcoats, your raincoats, your wind breakers, your sweaters, your pillows, your shoes, your socks, your family photos, your ipads, your mp3 players, your radios, your leftovers, your pet dog……..” I’m sitting in my seat as this shit goes on and on wondering when, for the love of God, we will begin to taxi. That said, the overweight woman next to me in a Dunkin Donuts shirt thought this listing game was absolutely hysterical.

“though the bag doesn’t inflate, oxygen IS flowing. that means nitrogen isn’t flowing, helium isn’t flowing, e-cig vapor isn’t flowing, water isn’t flowing, salami isn’t flowing, time isn’t flowing.”

-I always get people that tell me I look like Charlie Day from It’s Always Sunny. I know it’s coming from the first, “Wait, you know who you look like?” When I beat them to it they are always like, “YES! Oh my god that’s so funny!” Being compared to a guy whose character is a complete trashbag is rarely something I’m super thrilled about. It’s just part of my life now I guess.

i’m so tired of balling, man I sleep all night

-When someone tells you that you, “clean up nice” that means they thought you looked like shit not too long ago.

-Has anyone seen the new Chobani Yogurt commercial where a dude comes in from the baseball field, sits in the dugout with his teammates, and cracks open a yogurt and eats it? Look, where I’m from, I believe you’d get your ass kicked if you did something like that.

millennials these days….

– I wish all of my apologies were as sincere as they are when I accidentally reply to someone in all CAPS.

– On the New York City subway, a lot of people think they have, ‘Resting Bitch Face’ when, in reality, it is more like, ‘Resting I’m Dead Inside Face’.

i see this a lot

– You’re so introverted, you choose instrumentals at karaoke.

– In this modern age, if there was a subway accident, I think the most jarring aspect wouldn’t be the shock of the crash but, rather, the chaotic aftermath of everyone searching for their phone on the train floor.

-If you are the kind of person that gets up within the first 30 min of a flight to take a piss, I ask you: what the fuck were you just doing in the terminal for the last 2 hours? Get your shit together for God’s sake.

-I flew back from Portland, OR recently and boarded my plane at 5:30 AM. The guy in the middle seat next to me began chatting-up the woman on the aisle immediately. I avoided this fate by putting my hood up and promptly passing out. I wake up intermittently on the journey back East to hear this man talking about camping and hiking. I finally wake up for good about two hours later and the man is STILL talking but this time about the merits of solar paneled camping equipment, what to do if you need to secure a tent into rock, and what it’s like to have the Earth collapse between your feet. This poor woman for 4.5 hours must have been like, “I DON’T GIVE A RAT FUCK ABOUT CAMPING.”

-If I was an artist,  my dream job would be to become the guy that comes up with the Google homepage art everyday. “So, Mike – how was work today?” Oh, ya know, I just looked up some random-ass obscure holiday and went nuts.

“I dont know how it happened. I found out it was ‘National Creamsicle Day’ this morning and the art just poured out of me. I think people are really going to respond well to this homepage.”

-I’d like to propose that we change the saying from, “Dance like no one is watching” to “Shit like there is no one else in the public bathroom.”

skibbits on the frib-a-dibs

– I wonder if doctor’s ever awkwardly comment on people’s tattoos when they give physicals?

{inspecting nude inner thigh} “Oh my, that’s a nice tattoo you have there. Are those the teenaged mutant ninja turtles but as modern day hipsters?? Ha! Is Michelangelo drinking a Starbucks? That’s tooooo funny. {chuckles} I remember those guys, Raphael was a real ball-buster. Hey, listen, speaking of balls…what’s this bump ya got on here? Any aching or shooting pains?”

“I almost got a tattoo of a sliced avocado on my right arm. Didn’t have the confidence to go through with it. I have an obsession with guac, like, an OBSESSION.”

– One cool thing about Vampire lore is that they can only venture out at night. I always thought this was a relatively limiting and unfortunate fact about their existence but, now that I think about it, it’s not so bad. They can go to restaurants and bars, nightclubs, baseball games, see the fireworks on Fourth of July, work the night-shift and make some money. Actually, being a Vampire is pretty much like my regular life now that I think of it. They could, theoretically, work remotely from their coffin.

-Ya know how there are old family photos and portraits around the characters homes in movies and TV shows? I always think that, that day on set, must have been a fun one. Like, Matt Damon and Jennifer Lawrence put on white tank tops and jeans and went to the dunes for a photo shoot? That’s funny to me. “Okay, Matt. You lay down and Jennifer just uhhhhh…hold him like you’ve been married for 4 years. Look happy because this is going to be an important point of juxtaposition later in the film.”

“Okay, Bruce Willis…this is your family that tragically died in a plane crash. Look really, really happy and peaceful.”

–  While standing at a urinal next to someone I, for some reason, always get the urge to just turn my aim and piss on their feet. Mainly out of curiosity to see what they would do.

-New excuse if I’m ever late to work: “Oh, sorry, I got stopped by Humans of New York on my way in. Yeah, he asked me some questions about what, ‘scares me most’…he’ll post it soon. Anyway, what happened on that conference call?”

-Everyone that works at Apple has Steve Jobsecurity. *shout out to Matt G. for letting me steal this.

they also are entitled to WOZman’s Comp……no? anyone? too much?

-Whenever an ad comes on Spotify I always remove one earphone in an act of mild rebellion. They may be getting their message across BUT not exactly as they intended.

-A recent regret I have is tying my shoelaces moments after washing my hands. In that damp moment, it really hits home what they do all day.

-I went to the NY State Renaissance Faire this past weekend and, if you haven’t been, I can best describe the crowd aesthetic as, “Ugly Coachella” or, “Pregnant Women Smoking Cigarettes”.

On her way to the event lawn, Cameron was stopped by a fashion photographer.

– If you’re a man on his way to work and your wife beater if BLATANTLY visible under a button down and tie… you have failed.

– I wonder how many corny telescope operators refer to themselves as the, “paparazzi to the stars.”

“Trust me. Kim Kardashian’s got nothing on protoplanetary nebulae M1-92.”

Don’t be a SocraTEASE

– If your birthday does, indeed, fall on April 1…I’m sorry but I will never wish you well. The risk of being embarrassed is too great.

– It bothers me when I am riding down in an elevator, it stops, someone walks in and pushes their floor but doesn’t push the door close button after.  Not only have they interrupted my straight shot to the Lobby but also prolonged the already awkward experience of joining an elevator with a stranger. Let’s expedite this shit, shall we? Sure, push “3” then continue texting – don’t mind me.

“i’m in no hurry.”

– Thank you to the guy in the minivan that is parked IN a crosswalk for waving me on, indicating that I am, indeed, free to cross the street. That “Walk” symbol was confusing and alien to me, I had no idea what to do. Thankfully you were there to physically decipher it’s meaning.

– I feel like I used to have the nightmarish experience of wasps crawling out of my soda cans WAY more frequently than I do now. Ya know? You’d come huffin and puffin back from the ball-pit or the pool and all the sudden pure evil would be lurking in the shadows.

disclaimer: I don’t drink, or support, Pepsi.

– I always find it funny how on cop dramas they spend their entire work day trying to solve a single case. As if the city of Seattle is SO overstaffed they can afford to have two detectives focus on just one crime.

– I was heading to meet a friend of mine late one night and she suggested we, “meet at the park.” Meet at the park?!? Bitch, it’s after midnight! “C’mon Mike, meet me at the park! It’s a full Moon and there is a really thick fog rolling in.” Maybe tomorrow she’ll suggest a nice cemetery, maybe a dilapidated wharf or perhaps an old, long-abandoned, house. 

– These days, it seems, we have really turned domain names into much more digestible forms of speech. We say, “I got it on Amazon,” or, “I saw it on Netflix.” I’m gonna be retro and start saying things like, “I was researching on https://www.google.com/ and learned ALL about the Cambrian Explosion.”

– Sometimes, when big celebrities are ominously quiet, I wonder to myself, “……what are they planning??”

– I want my Tinder bio to read, “If All Dogs Go To Heaven than how did so many end up here??” Sadly, that would probably get me a lot of matches.

– I wonder at which point a famous chef makes the business decision to create and sell dog food. Kind of risky, don’t you think? Like, “well, I tried the whole cooking for people thing and, ya know what, I’d rather cater to those that can’t complain about me.” Rachel Ray famously has a line of animal food with her face on the front of the packaging. It would be nice if, at the end of her cooking show, she said, “…and that’s how you make Fettuccine Alfredo in 30 minutes! A great meal for you and the kids…and, what the hell, your dog can eat this too!”

“I know you can’t write about me on Yelp CAN you Sparky?? Wait, can you?”

– I want to own my own machine shop and name it Richard Gears.

as you’d expect we come correct

– “Fuckle Up!” – what I’m going to yell at my kids when we all get into the car.

“Aww, Daddy you just said the “F” wor…”                                                                                                                                 “I SAID BUCKLE-UP NOW, ROGER!!!”

– Extra strength Benadryl should be called “Power-dryl.”

– I wonder what real estate moguls think of graveyards? They must really get pissed off whenever they drive by a mass plot of acreage, covered by largely forgotten cement rectangles, knowing that the property value would be through the roof in about 15 years.

“Dear lord…..this would be a great place for an outdoor promenade! So close to the highway PLUS this area needs a Chipotle, like, now.”

– I wonder if John Cusack ever tells people that he has a, “cute-sack”?

– I want to start a marketing campaign for TempurPedic where, over the summer, they go to a bunch of different Elm Streets across the country and set up beds for people to test out. The tagline: “With TempurPedic, You’ll never have a nightmare on Elm Street again!” Sure, I have some legal issues to iron out but you see where I’m going with this.

“With TempurPedic, blood well never torrentially pour in a seemingly gravity defying column onto your ceiling.”

– I don’t have many games on my phone so one time I opened the calculator app to play a fun game of, “does Mike know his multiplication tables?” Let’s just say that game didn’t last very long.

Where do you adjust the difficulty settings?

– “This is where the calculated manipulation happens” – synonymous phrase for “this is where the magic happens.”

– I recently went to Medieval Times which was a lot like if Walt Disney threw an idea into the trashcan and an enterprising simpleton un-creased the blueprints and ran off to strip malls across the nation. A few things to note from my experiences in the realm.

1) There was a seemingly unrealistic number of six year old’s birthday parties at the 2 pm showing. Not five year old’s and not seven year old’s…six year old’s. A few forty-one year old’s and thirty-three year old’s were peppered in, but they were definitely the outliers.

2) To impart an heir of authenticity, no utensils are distributed for the entire 1/2 chicken you are provided thus making Medieval Times a terrible place to shake hands with someone.

3) You apparently do NOT have to sneak in your own bottle of hot sauce as the server claimed they, “have that.”

Spoiler Alert: the Red Knight gets slashed in the stomach but, somehow, is not disemboweled.

– How come there aren’t more ceiling fans made out of retro airplane propellers?

– It seems the one thing that would really benefit from a tracking number is an unborn baby.

“Would you look at that, my daughter just scanned into the second trimester. Right on schedule, honey.”

 

find much to ponder upon in the characters here graven with a stylus of iron

– Hardee’s fast-food burger chain needs to man up and shell out the money to get Tom Hardy as their spokesman.

“I’m Tom Hardy, c’mon down to laugh heartily and have a hearty meal here at Hardee’s. Hardee’s: a place you’ll find Tom Hardy.”

– If you weren’t connected to wifi at the time, does meeting someone on Tinder still count as, ‘meeting someone on the internet’?

“We met on 3G and I haven’t looked back since.”

– I was at a bar the other day and asked a waitress that came to collect a drink for her table why she had a brace on her wrist. “Is it a fashion statement??” I asked slyly. Without humor, she looked at me coldly and said, “I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.”

You can find this fashion trend in the Spring Collection of being a bitch.

– I was boarding a moderately crowded train on my way to work this week and stood, holding a hand rail. As we pulled away, I got a whiff of someone eating beef jerky. I’m standing there thinking to myself, “DAMN, that smells goooood. Man, I haven’t had beef jerky in a while, ” and other thoughts of that sort. I begin to look around at the passengers to see if I can locate the cool dude eating beef jerky at 8:40 in the morning. For some reason, I can’t seem to find them.

As I stand longer and get more acclimated with my surroundings I realize that the beef jerky smell (super unique, you all know it) began to take on a more ominous tinge. I look to my left and discover that the previously delicious odor was emanating from a seemingly Native American man that passed out in a crouching position, occasionally rocking back and forth. There is a vacancy of passengers in a 4-foot radius of this vagrant and it was then that I understood, no one was eating beef jerky at all. The smell was merely this man’s skin caked with his own urine, cigarette smoke, sweat and BO. Illusions are a powerful thing, ladies and gentleman.

– What computers and cellphones are doing to the posture of the human race:

– De-tangling headphones while standing on a crowded subway car should be considered a form of public performance.

– I wonder if apple farmers and doctors get into beefs when they run into each other at bars?

“What’s this ‘apple-a-day-keeps-the-doctor-away’ HORSESHIT?? Are you TRYING to cripple my business model?? People NEED doctors, okay? I won’t have some two-bit, tree-hugging, slogan ruin my customer turnover ratio!”

– If I ever open a crematorium I’m definitely going to call it, No Bones About It.

– Everyone is always talking about Breakfast at Tiffany’s but has anyone ever seen Tiffany’s dinner menu? How about Happy Hour at Tiffany’s?

– There is a new show on TV called The Slap. The premise: Zachary Quinto is over at a friends BBQ and slaps the shit out of the host’s kid. The entire show is built around the fallout after the slap heard round the world. Let’s have some fun with rejected titles and taglines for this show shall we?:

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘If I Ever Looked at my Father That Way.”‘

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘What Every Dad Did Publicly To Bad Children Up Until 1992.'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘Wipe That Look Off Your Face.'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘What Did You Just Say?'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘Do You Have Any Idea How Much These Pants Cost?'”

“When Zachary Quinto comes over for a BBQ, there’s nothing he won’t SLAP! {insert montage of wine bag, high five, a small child}.

“He says they were ‘just practicing a new secret handshake,’ but what WAS Zachary Quinto REALLY doing … Find out at 9pm.”

– I got a phone call today telling me that my corporate American Express has been hacked and is being used for small purchases of gasoline in Columbia. I have about a 20 min conversation with this woman confirming my identity, she told me next steps, etc.

When it got to the part where I was to order a new card and give her my personal information she said, “You can tell me now, or, if you don’t believe that I am who I say I am, you can always call AmEx customer service.” It was at that moment I realized that this woman called me, showed me the illicit charges, and was asking me my personal info. She could very well be some kind-sounding thief, using fear and panic to pry vital info from the unsuspecting. How vulnerable did I feel?? Is this woman trying to steal from me too?? Who is she really? Was my card hacked or was that just a lie??

Needless to say I called customer service.