i’m so tired of balling, man I sleep all night

10 12 2015

-When someone tells you that you, “clean up nice” that means they thought you looked like shit not too long ago.

-Has anyone seen the new Chobani Yogurt commercial where a dude comes in from the baseball field, sits in the dugout with his teammates, and cracks open a yogurt and eats it? Look, where I’m from, I believe you’d get your ass kicked if you did something like that.

millennials these days….

– I wish all of my apologies were as sincere as they are when I accidentally reply to someone in all CAPS.

– On the New York City subway, a lot of people think they have, ‘Resting Bitch Face’ when, in reality, it is more like, ‘Resting I’m Dead Inside Face’.

i see this a lot

– You’re so introverted, you choose instrumentals at karaoke.

– In this modern age, if there was a subway accident, I think the most jarring aspect wouldn’t be the shock of the crash but, rather, the chaotic aftermath of everyone searching for their phone on the train floor.

-If you are the kind of person that gets up within the first 30 min of a flight to take a piss, I ask you: what the fuck were you just doing in the terminal for the last 2 hours? Get your shit together for God’s sake.

-I flew back from Portland, OR recently and boarded my plane at 5:30 AM. The guy in the middle seat next to me began chatting-up the woman on the aisle immediately. I avoided this fate by putting my hood up and promptly passing out. I wake up intermittently on the journey back East to hear this man talking about camping and hiking. I finally wake up for good about two hours later and the man is STILL talking but this time about the merits of solar paneled camping equipment, what to do if you need to secure a tent into rock, and what it’s like to have the Earth collapse between your feet. This poor woman for 4.5 hours must have been like, “I DON’T GIVE A RAT FUCK ABOUT CAMPING.”

-If I was an artist,  my dream job would be to become the guy that comes up with the Google homepage art everyday. “So, Mike – how was work today?” Oh, ya know, I just looked up some random-ass obscure holiday and went nuts.

“I dont know how it happened. I found out it was ‘National Creamsicle Day’ this morning and the art just poured out of me. I think people are really going to respond well to this homepage.”

-I’d like to propose that we change the saying from, “Dance like no one is watching” to “Shit like there is no one else in the public bathroom.”

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skibbits on the frib-a-dibs

8 09 2015

– I wonder if doctor’s ever awkwardly comment on people’s tattoos when they give physicals?

{inspecting nude inner thigh} “Oh my, that’s a nice tattoo you have there. Are those the teenaged mutant ninja turtles but as modern day hipsters?? Ha! Is Michelangelo drinking a Starbucks? That’s tooooo funny. {chuckles} I remember those guys, Raphael was a real ball-buster. Hey, listen, speaking of balls…what’s this bump ya got on here? Any aching or shooting pains?”

“I almost got a tattoo of a sliced avocado on my right arm. Didn’t have the confidence to go through with it. I have an obsession with guac, like, an OBSESSION.”

– One cool thing about Vampire lore is that they can only venture out at night. I always thought this was a relatively limiting and unfortunate fact about their existence but, now that I think about it, it’s not so bad. They can go to restaurants and bars, nightclubs, baseball games, see the fireworks on Fourth of July, work the night-shift and make some money. Actually, being a Vampire is pretty much like my regular life now that I think of it. They could, theoretically, work remotely from their coffin.

-Ya know how there are old family photos and portraits around the characters homes in movies and TV shows? I always think that, that day on set, must have been a fun one. Like, Matt Damon and Jennifer Lawrence put on white tank tops and jeans and went to the dunes for a photo shoot? That’s funny to me. “Okay, Matt. You lay down and Jennifer just uhhhhh…hold him like you’ve been married for 4 years. Look happy because this is going to be an important point of juxtaposition later in the film.”

“Okay, Bruce Willis…this is your family that tragically died in a plane crash. Look really, really happy and peaceful.”

–  While standing at a urinal next to someone I, for some reason, always get the urge to just turn my aim and piss on their feet. Mainly out of curiosity to see what they would do.

-New excuse if I’m ever late to work: “Oh, sorry, I got stopped by Humans of New York on my way in. Yeah, he asked me some questions about what, ‘scares me most’…he’ll post it soon. Anyway, what happened on that conference call?”

-Everyone that works at Apple has Steve Jobsecurity. *shout out to Matt G. for letting me steal this.

they also are entitled to WOZman’s Comp……no? anyone? too much?

-Whenever an ad comes on Spotify I always remove one earphone in an act of mild rebellion. They may be getting their message across BUT not exactly as they intended.

-A recent regret I have is tying my shoelaces moments after washing my hands. In that damp moment, it really hits home what they do all day.

-I went to the NY State Renaissance Faire this past weekend and, if you haven’t been, I can best describe the crowd aesthetic as, “Ugly Coachella” or, “Pregnant Women Smoking Cigarettes”.

On her way to the event lawn, Cameron was stopped by a fashion photographer.

– If you’re a man on his way to work and your wife beater if BLATANTLY visible under a button down and tie… you have failed.

– I wonder how many corny telescope operators refer to themselves as the, “paparazzi to the stars.”

“Trust me. Kim Kardashian’s got nothing on protoplanetary nebulae M1-92.”





Don’t be a SocraTEASE

1 04 2015

– If your birthday does, indeed, fall on April 1…I’m sorry but I will never wish you well. The risk of being embarrassed is too great.

– It bothers me when I am riding down in an elevator, it stops, someone walks in and pushes their floor but doesn’t push the door close button after.  Not only have they interrupted my straight shot to the Lobby but also prolonged the already awkward experience of joining an elevator with a stranger. Let’s expedite this shit, shall we? Sure, push “3” then continue texting – don’t mind me.

“i’m in no hurry.”

– Thank you to the guy in the minivan that is parked IN a crosswalk for waving me on, indicating that I am, indeed, free to cross the street. That “Walk” symbol was confusing and alien to me, I had no idea what to do. Thankfully you were there to physically decipher it’s meaning.

– I feel like I used to have the nightmarish experience of wasps crawling out of my soda cans WAY more frequently than I do now. Ya know? You’d come huffin and puffin back from the ball-pit or the pool and all the sudden pure evil would be lurking in the shadows.

disclaimer: I don’t drink, or support, Pepsi.

– I always find it funny how on cop dramas they spend their entire work day trying to solve a single case. As if the city of Seattle is SO overstaffed they can afford to have two detectives focus on just one crime.

– I was heading to meet a friend of mine late one night and she suggested we, “meet at the park.” Meet at the park?!? Bitch, it’s after midnight! “C’mon Mike, meet me at the park! It’s a full Moon and there is a really thick fog rolling in.” Maybe tomorrow she’ll suggest a nice cemetery, maybe a dilapidated wharf or perhaps an old, long-abandoned, house. 

– These days, it seems, we have really turned domain names into much more digestible forms of speech. We say, “I got it on Amazon,” or, “I saw it on Netflix.” I’m gonna be retro and start saying things like, “I was researching on https://www.google.com/ and learned ALL about the Cambrian Explosion.”

– Sometimes, when big celebrities are ominously quiet, I wonder to myself, “……what are they planning??”

– I want my Tinder bio to read, “If All Dogs Go To Heaven than how did so many end up here??” Sadly, that would probably get me a lot of matches.

– I wonder at which point a famous chef makes the business decision to create and sell dog food. Kind of risky, don’t you think? Like, “well, I tried the whole cooking for people thing and, ya know what, I’d rather cater to those that can’t complain about me.” Rachel Ray famously has a line of animal food with her face on the front of the packaging. It would be nice if, at the end of her cooking show, she said, “…and that’s how you make Fettuccine Alfredo in 30 minutes! A great meal for you and the kids…and, what the hell, your dog can eat this too!”

“I know you can’t write about me on Yelp CAN you Sparky?? Wait, can you?”

– I want to own my own machine shop and name it Richard Gears.





as you’d expect we come correct

1 04 2015

– “Fuckle Up!” – what I’m going to yell at my kids when we all get into the car.

“Aww, Daddy you just said the “F” wor…”                                                                                                                                 “I SAID BUCKLE-UP NOW, ROGER!!!”

– Extra strength Benadryl should be called “Power-dryl.”

– I wonder what real estate moguls think of graveyards? They must really get pissed off whenever they drive by a mass plot of acreage, covered by largely forgotten cement rectangles, knowing that the property value would be through the roof in about 15 years.

“Dear lord…..this would be a great place for an outdoor promenade! So close to the highway PLUS this area needs a Chipotle, like, now.”

– I wonder if John Cusack ever tells people that he has a, “cute-sack”?

– I want to start a marketing campaign for TempurPedic where, over the summer, they go to a bunch of different Elm Streets across the country and set up beds for people to test out. The tagline: “With TempurPedic, You’ll never have a nightmare on Elm Street again!” Sure, I have some legal issues to iron out but you see where I’m going with this.

“With TempurPedic, blood well never torrentially pour in a seemingly gravity defying column onto your ceiling.”

– I don’t have many games on my phone so one time I opened the calculator app to play a fun game of, “does Mike know his multiplication tables?” Let’s just say that game didn’t last very long.

Where do you adjust the difficulty settings?

– “This is where the calculated manipulation happens” – synonymous phrase for “this is where the magic happens.”

– I recently went to Medieval Times which was a lot like if Walt Disney threw an idea into the trashcan and an enterprising simpleton un-creased the blueprints and ran off to strip malls across the nation. A few things to note from my experiences in the realm.

1) There was a seemingly unrealistic number of six year old’s birthday parties at the 2 pm showing. Not five year old’s and not seven year old’s…six year old’s. A few forty-one year old’s and thirty-three year old’s were peppered in, but they were definitely the outliers.

2) To impart an heir of authenticity, no utensils are distributed for the entire 1/2 chicken you are provided thus making Medieval Times a terrible place to shake hands with someone.

3) You apparently do NOT have to sneak in your own bottle of hot sauce as the server claimed they, “have that.”

Spoiler Alert: the Red Knight gets slashed in the stomach but, somehow, is not disemboweled.

– How come there aren’t more ceiling fans made out of retro airplane propellers?

– It seems the one thing that would really benefit from a tracking number is an unborn baby.

“Would you look at that, my daughter just scanned into the second trimester. Right on schedule, honey.”

 





find much to ponder upon in the characters here graven with a stylus of iron

19 02 2015

– Hardee’s fast-food burger chain needs to man up and shell out the money to get Tom Hardy as their spokesman.

“I’m Tom Hardy, c’mon down to laugh heartily and have a hearty meal here at Hardee’s. Hardee’s: a place you’ll find Tom Hardy.”

– If you weren’t connected to wifi at the time, does meeting someone on Tinder still count as, ‘meeting someone on the internet’?

“We met on 3G and I haven’t looked back since.”

– I was at a bar the other day and asked a waitress that came to collect a drink for her table why she had a brace on her wrist. “Is it a fashion statement??” I asked slyly. Without humor, she looked at me coldly and said, “I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.”

You can find this fashion trend in the Spring Collection of being a bitch.

– I was boarding a moderately crowded train on my way to work this week and stood, holding a hand rail. As we pulled away, I got a whiff of someone eating beef jerky. I’m standing there thinking to myself, “DAMN, that smells goooood. Man, I haven’t had beef jerky in a while, ” and other thoughts of that sort. I begin to look around at the passengers to see if I can locate the cool dude eating beef jerky at 8:40 in the morning. For some reason, I can’t seem to find them.

As I stand longer and get more acclimated with my surroundings I realize that the beef jerky smell (super unique, you all know it) began to take on a more ominous tinge. I look to my left and discover that the previously delicious odor was emanating from a seemingly Native American man that passed out in a crouching position, occasionally rocking back and forth. There is a vacancy of passengers in a 4-foot radius of this vagrant and it was then that I understood, no one was eating beef jerky at all. The smell was merely this man’s skin caked with his own urine, cigarette smoke, sweat and BO. Illusions are a powerful thing, ladies and gentleman.

– What computers and cellphones are doing to the posture of the human race:

– De-tangling headphones while standing on a crowded subway car should be considered a form of public performance.

– I wonder if apple farmers and doctors get into beefs when they run into each other at bars?

“What’s this ‘apple-a-day-keeps-the-doctor-away’ HORSESHIT?? Are you TRYING to cripple my business model?? People NEED doctors, okay? I won’t have some two-bit, tree-hugging, slogan ruin my customer turnover ratio!”

– If I ever open a crematorium I’m definitely going to call it, No Bones About It.

– Everyone is always talking about Breakfast at Tiffany’s but has anyone ever seen Tiffany’s dinner menu? How about Happy Hour at Tiffany’s?

– There is a new show on TV called The Slap. The premise: Zachary Quinto is over at a friends BBQ and slaps the shit out of the host’s kid. The entire show is built around the fallout after the slap heard round the world. Let’s have some fun with rejected titles and taglines for this show shall we?:

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘If I Ever Looked at my Father That Way.”‘

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘What Every Dad Did Publicly To Bad Children Up Until 1992.'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘Wipe That Look Off Your Face.'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘What Did You Just Say?'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘Do You Have Any Idea How Much These Pants Cost?'”

“When Zachary Quinto comes over for a BBQ, there’s nothing he won’t SLAP! {insert montage of wine bag, high five, a small child}.

“He says they were ‘just practicing a new secret handshake,’ but what WAS Zachary Quinto REALLY doing … Find out at 9pm.”

– I got a phone call today telling me that my corporate American Express has been hacked and is being used for small purchases of gasoline in Columbia. I have about a 20 min conversation with this woman confirming my identity, she told me next steps, etc.

When it got to the part where I was to order a new card and give her my personal information she said, “You can tell me now, or, if you don’t believe that I am who I say I am, you can always call AmEx customer service.” It was at that moment I realized that this woman called me, showed me the illicit charges, and was asking me my personal info. She could very well be some kind-sounding thief, using fear and panic to pry vital info from the unsuspecting. How vulnerable did I feel?? Is this woman trying to steal from me too?? Who is she really? Was my card hacked or was that just a lie??

Needless to say I called customer service.





let’s play tennis around ten-ish

8 01 2015

– I want to grow my beard and hair out and dress up like a modern Jesus with a topknot and hang around funerals, nodding at people in heavenly reassurance.

“Ya know Barbara, I can’t shake this feeling that at Jimmy’s funeral last week Jesus was there with us. He was in an Armani suit behind Uncle Jeff, vaping. Yeah, him.”

– At what point did it become common for people to take two Advil or two Tylenol? Perhaps the pills were too large at first and public opinion made the higher-ups cut the dosage in half? Maybe it’s just a clever mind game the aspirin marketers are trying to pull to sell more pills: “Even an idiot knows that just ONE doesn’t work, you HAVE to take TWO!”

and just like that, sales doubled.

– I went to an eye doctor today that told me she doesn’t have health insurance. Her logic, “I don’t get sick.” A doctor, said this. Tangential thought: I wonder if there are any blind eye doctors.

“Okay, tell me about what you can see. No, seriously, tell me about it.”

– When I’m standing on the subway, I like to look at the phone screen of the person sitting next to me in hopes that they notice me staring. Once they do, I make eye contact and nod at them in heavenly reassurance.

– Want to feel instantly better about your day? Read some of the pathetic YouTube comments on All American Rejects’ “Dirty Little Secret”. Here’s a nice sample from Octavia: “DLS: im broken.. im shatterd.. i feel worthless and i feel like all my friends hate me and are just going to end up backstabbing me..”

– Saying, “bless you” to a person wearing headphones really makes you realize that it is an antiquated formality.

– Hotels should provide you with an app upon check-in like Uber that tells you where your housekeeper is at any given moment. That way, you can tell them when your room is free and won’t have to be rudely awakened or disturbed while shitting at 10am.

“Rosalita is currently two doors away.”

– I’m creating a website where people can buy and sell equipment for their cats and dogs called pEtsy.com.

– Since Jesus was a carpenter, I wonder if he had to join a union or just got hired on a freelance basis. I wish there were archeological sites that touted, “Yep, and this petrified wooden staircase was built by Jesus Christ himself.” He probably was an accomplished carpenter but it would be funny if, for some reason, he wasn’t. Like, when Jesus would roll onto the job site the other tradesmen would be like, “Great, Christ is here today…looks like we’ll have to double check the structural integrity of his door frames. We can’t have a repeat of that Bethlehem job all over again. Nightmare. Seriously, does that guy not know what a level is??”

Jesus was a founding member of the “Nazareth Local 118”





reconstructing the universe

6 01 2015

– When looking for event venues in Dallas, I learned of a KILLER space on the 6th floor of the School Book Depository.

– Bitchy tweens these days must say things like, “If Jenny had a website, it wouldn’t be Jenny.com it would be Jenny.VOM.” Actually, girls of today aren’t making domain name jokes, let me rephrase. Bitchy tweens in the LATE 90’s TOTALLY used that.

– I want to make a parody cover song of Mandy Moore’s, “Candy” but make it about Voltaire’s, “Candide.” If successful, it will be played in high school and college literature classes nationwide.

“I’m missing you like Candiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-eeeyaaa-de.”

– Fox has recently commissioned the making of Gotham, a show retelling stories of the adolescent characters we all know from Batman. Really, Fox? The last time I checked I didn’t give a shit about Poison Ivy as a sixth grader.  Are we supposed to think when watching that show, “oh, my, tonight’s plotline is reallllly shaping the character she will one day become.” I think we are taking this whole, “origin-story-Batman-begins” thing a little too far, don’t you? What’s next?

“We all know the story of Bruce Wayne, but what about his Father, Thomas? Next summer, Fox will take you on a trip back in time to when Thomas’ father, Elias, immigrated to Gotham from Austria as a boy to make a new life for the Wayne Family. This summer at 8/7c: Origin Tales of Beginnings that Paved the Way for Batman.”

And coming this fall, FOX will take you back in time to explore the very roots of Bruce Wayne. Roots that can be traced to his ancestors from more than 10,000 years ago in, “Batman Begins: Neolithic Knight”

At what point do gangsters call it a night? Like:

“Yo man, we gon’ smoke some cess, get in the truck, go kill some muufuckas, hit the strip club, we gon…..”

“…Actually y’all [yawns], I’m feelin pretty tired and shit. I like, woke up early as fuck today, you know what I’m sayin’? You do you, but I think I’m gonna head back.”

“What?! You tired??”

“Pssh, yeah man. I’m over here yawnin’. You guys go.”

{inhales deeply through nose} Damn bitch, I keep noddin’ off. I’m gonna go hit the haystacks, this shit can wait till tomorrow.”

– I want to go to a rodeo and tell people that it is, in actuality, my first.

– I want John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted to create a show called Behind Bars. The show would search for previously undiscovered mixologists and enlist America’s help to place them…behind bars.

“Tonight, we need your help America tracking down a bartender in the Tulsa area that, we believe, can muddle the best mojito base in town. With any luck, he is on a one-way street to find himself…behind bars.”

– A lot of anti-smoking ads these days try to liken smoking cigarettes to “signing a contract” or being “in an abusive relationship.” I think these don’t really capture the true relationship a smoker has with cigarettes and health.

I think an ad of this sort would be more effective if the cigarette was personified as a prison inmate and your body was the wall to his prison cell. Little by little the prisoner chips away at the wall in an attempt to escape, all the while no one in the jail suspects a thing until BAM! One day alarms go off and the cigarette has broken through the once strong fortification that has now crumbled under a single weak spot.

im in