magical tales of lincoln the vegetable

– do you think that when people were traveling west during the frontier days people saw tornados and were like, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!! HOW HAVE WE NOT HEARD ABOUT THIS? WHY DID WE TRAVEL WESTWARD! WHYYYYYYY?????!!!!!!!!!”

– in Total Recall, Arnold is married to a young Sharon Stone…and is not happy with his life. He would rather be…on Mars. Jackass.

boring to some men
boring to some men

– I recently was in New York City and they were advertising an upcoming Yankee game. To entice people to come, they were going to give away free Yankee calculators…yes that’s right, calculators. Imagine being an 8 year old going to that game! I would be pissed. Hoping for a hat, or a baseball and getting a school supply. So many kids were reminded of the homework they had to do after the game.

– Just For Men “Touch of Gray” removes most but not all of the gray – leaving you with that “mature” look. More like, leaving you with the “feeling you had when you reached 50” look.

– The Hamburger Helper commercial has this hand talking to a family at a drive thru. The bad part is, you can see a human arm on this seemingly non-human hand. The fuckin thing has 4 fingers. Anyway, don’t you think they could hide the arm?? Is that too much to ask? Why would I want to buy a hamburger product when I can see a sweaty arm up the ass end of the mascot?

human? i think not.
human? i think not.

– This “Cash for Clunkers” bullshit really confuses me. So our government is essentially rewarding the morons that bought giant gas guzzlers with cash back? I’m pretty sure they knew these cars sucked the life out of planet Earth when they bought them. Furthermore, aren’t we in a recession? Where is the Fed getting all this money? Don’t we owe China like 8 Trillion bucks? But hey. thank god we can just keep printing useless symbols.

– Whenever I’m at the library and I don’t put a book back in the right place, I feel like some sort of vandal. It’s as if Dewey Decimal (what a cool last name) is looking down on me from heaven – or hell depending how you view book cataloguing.

he who frowns from heaven
he who frowns from heaven

– Models are in a tough business, once they hit a certain age they are obsolete. Like, when was the last time you saw Elizabeth Hurley modeling makeup. She is just a little too old (kinda like Sandra Bullock for any movie she makes now).

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