don’t spill my drink boyyyyyy

– how do you become a survival expert? like bear grylls or this survivorman character. is there a school where you learn that cow shit keeps a fire smoldering? or is that all trial and error?

– this “money you could be saving with Geico” has actually grown on me. at first i was like, “FUCK this”. It could be the song, or the expressionless pile of $5 bills, but im coming around. However, im sticking with Allstate because those hands are just tooooooo good.

– if you are ever stranded someplace, purify the water before you drink it…or else you get diarrhea. just do it.

mmm riverrrrrr
mmm riverrrrrr

– how did common-folk shave in the middle ages? Perhaps they used swords.

– this new show Swords on the Discovery channel is terrible. It is just like Deadliest Catch but instead of catching the notoriously moronic snow crab, they are catching and murdering the graceful swordfish. Really?

A: who gives a fuck about these stupid blue collar fisherman jobs anyway? I think the American populous is over it. thanks Mike Rowe, ass.

B: who enjoys watching a regal animal like the mighty swordfish be roped in and slaughtered on primetime? soon there is gonna be a whole show where a momma seal is taken onto a ship and beaten in front of her young, it will be called Seal Beaters chronicling the hard life of these jackass fisherman.

– I haven’t come across a block of cheese in a while

– I like Morgan Freeman as a spokesperson for anything. He could be selling dirt, and I would buy it.

God sells Visa
God sells Visa

– Have you seen these MGD 64 commercials where the guy says, “here is your MGD 64, and 64 calories of Michelob Ultra” and he hands the guy a glass with 3/4 of it taken out? If a bartender handed me that I would be like, “get me another god damn glass right now.”

go fuck yourself bartender
go fuck yourself bartender

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