the midnight special

Imagine if there was a headphone terrorist. If some dude was goin around, kinda like the sniper, and putting some sort of high-frequency-powered-mega-brain-bursting headphones. and all the sudden on the news it’s like, “AND AT 11!!!!…WHAT YOU CAN DO TO KEEP YOUR HEADPHONES SAFE FROM THE I-POD SNIPER!! BUT FIRST, WHAT PLANTS YOU SHOULD BE GROWING IN YOUR GARDEN THIS AUTUMN.”

What if there was a YouTube DJ? Like, you go to a club and you see a projector on the screen. (The sound system is bangin’ there, so don’t worry about that) I think that not knowing what is gonna be played next WHILE having some sort of visual to go with it would be cool.

DJ foot note: All of these would be bookmarked as to protect oneself from embarassment due to low internet speeds.

how did T.I. come up with “Whatever you like?” Can anyone tell me this? Was he at T.G.I. Fridays with some woman in Atlanta or something and she’s like, “…ohhh this looks good, i think i’ll get the jerk chicken wings…oooooh but they spicy T.I.. Ohhh! look at this!! they got them southwest eggrolls, ohh damn…. baby? T.I.? Baby, can i get both of these? I am hungy.”

and T.I. is like….you can have whatever you like.

kinda like IN THIS VIDEO. I actually just watched that for the first time and…damn…i wish i was T.I. (sidenote: after i write the word T.I. is a period necessary at the end of a sentence?). I think so, only that damn sidenote got in the way. Sorry about that. T.I. is like some mystical dude in this video that whisks some fast food girl off her feet. I dont wanna spoil the ending, but throughout the entire thing you are aware that T.I. actually could be doing everything he says in the video. He has that much wealth. T.I. you p.i.m.p.. I’m talkin the Dean Martin kind..not the 50 (fih-tee) kind.

AND NOW…things that come up on the image search of the word, “there”

image 1) a skyscraper with some funny captions
image 1) a skyscraper with some funny captions
image 2) people gawking at a child left on top of a car
image 2) people gawking at a child left on top of a car
image 3) armageddon
image 3) armageddon

could you imagine seeing this image in person??? I would be like, “NOOOOO!!! NOT TODAY!!! OHH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!” Who would I call first?

From my experiences at my job at The Park 14 (in DC, a shameless plug) which… is a nightclub (another plug, sorry) I have learned that the new club scene is…just a bunch of people standing around texting. That…is…it. That’s all. So you wanna do what eyybody else is doin at the club, just whip out your phone and talk to someone that is…not at the club. Why? Ask our friend John 2009.

R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” just came on shuffle. My first thought of course is

a divine gift to the people of earth
a divine gift to the people of earth

Space Jam…man…what a great movie. I legitimately asked my mom after seeing this film if she could, “sign me up for basketball season.” Really, it’s that good.

Michael Jordan, what an interesting career choice. I think I’m gonna start saying, “come on and slam…if you wanna jam” a little bit more that I already do.

I frequently enjoy whenever it is 3:11 A.M./P.M. – it is like a holiday twice a day.

GOOD SONG ALERT: Don’t you love discovering a new song? It is great. Like something you start listening to a lot? This song is just relaxing, just listen to it and you’ll see my point.

What bothers me about most standup comedians is, they all follow “the formula”. This formula is understanding basically what people want to hear. Like, if you have a mediocre story about some weird thing you did while having sex AND a zany analogy, you got the basic joke. People, for some reason feel that this is hysterical when put on a stage. If someone is in front of you, and they are elevated about 3 feet, whatever they say somehow seems to have more validity. This include politicians, musicians, comedians, etc. Like, hey what does everyone do? Ohh, have sex. Let’s talk about that. {insert easy button}

ill have the usual
i'll have the usual

“cleans me like a wounded elephant at the zoo”…If one of your friends said that you’d be like, …ew.—>

man, i hate self deprecation… talk about —>

tie tubes = tie the knot……fuck you crappy standup analogy. My 4-year old could think of that basic analogy based on comparison. —>

When you see something on spanish tv… do you immediately assume it was made in Mexico like I do? For some reason that’s the first place I think it would have been made.  I think i should learn spanish more; 4 years and I have such a simple vocabulary. I should have retained it but, when ya don’t speak it I guess it vanishes into thin air. That would be creepy, if memories could evaporate into thin air. Kinda like farting but someone is like, “wait let me think of what …. ohh wait, i can almost (and a puff of smoke rises from their head) no…i lost it.”

Haiti…one place i don’t wanna be lost in. For example, this one guy is an outcast in his town because people think that a witch doctor made him a zombie……….what? He is just a regular guy like, “….no i’m not.” Damn, people here worry about being called fat or littlE, but in Haiti…you could be thought of as the walking dead. He probably went as a skeleton for Halloween once and people were like, “Ohh my God! Bobby is DEAD!!!”

So this witch doctor can raise the dead, where has he been for all of modern medicine?

oh and btw: The narrator for this Haiti show (which actually is about neuro-medicine) is Kiera Knightley’s dad in Pirates of the Caribbean…you know who it is (said like T.I. but replacing “who” instead of “what”).

him
him
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