???!!!%%%&&&***###$$$@@@~~~

11 11 2009

– I watched that show Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? and just as I thought…I am. Yes, is it hard to believe? I have a college degree. No lie, one of the questions was, “Is the Sun larger than the Earth?” Some dumbass watching at home was like, “..ohh, i dont fuckin’ know shit about space.”

5th graders cant drive. Say no more.

– One time, when I was younger, I went to a gas station with hopes to buy my very first lighter. I wanted one for my car (i was about 16) so just in case i wrecked I could make a signal fire and alert someone. No joke, that is really why. Anyway, I go into the store and I go to buy a standard Bic lighter. The ass at the counter…..CARDED ME!! I was taken aback, stunned at the peculiar nature of what had just happened to me. He refused to sell me a lighter, saying I had to be 18. However, this man had no problem selling me 8 gallons of gasoline with a free pack of matches at the counter. American logic.

– A couple months ago, I went to a friends house and said to my friend, “hey toss me that lighter.” He proceeded to throw it across the room. In some sort of miracle, the lighter flew across the room and went DIRECTLY into my hand. His throw was more accurate than Robin Hood is with a bow and arrow…which…is pretty accurate if you know your British folklore.

46534_3

shout out to Brett Putz: the lighter thrower

DID YOU KNOW THAT: To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs — it will let you go instantly. NOW YOU KNOW!

– Sometimes ITunes shuffle is on it, and other times…well, other times it plays the Macarena and the Chicken Dance back to back. (better question, why do I have those songs on my ITunes? Call me old fashioned.)

– I wonder if we’d still teach his plays in school if Shakespeare was found dead after a night of partying, OD’d on some drug, with the brassieres of many wenches by his side in England.

thou hallucinogeneth all nighteth

– How many “FreshPrinceofBelAir” screen names are there in Bel Air, Maryland? Probably an annoyingly large amount. FreshPrinceofBelAir87, XoXFreshPrincessXoX, or UnoriginalGuyofBelAirwhichisasuburbofBaltimore

PinkyBabyBelAirPrincipality09183641FRRESH

 

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