inexperience at practicing magic

– How many people, do you think, are actually named Jim Crow? Must be a hard life. James Crow seems like a quasi-common name right? He must get a bunch of shit.

– So I think I’m going bowling today, it’s been a while. One thing about bowling that is particularly disgusting to me regards their concession stand. That stand sells the most greasy food on the planet. All items are to be eaten with the hands, which are then plunged into the holes of the bowling ball. How gross is that? So people are fingering these bowling balls, then dipping their sweaty, gross hands into the communal popcorn. Eww.

imagine a vaseline-like buttery substance in these holes

– Philadelphia, Mississippi: probably not as cool.

the true birthplace of cheesesteaks and shitty sports teams

– On the show A Haunting the woman playing a character is MUCH hotter than the real woman narrating her story. This bothers me. What bastard was in charge of casting? You can’t cast a hot woman to play the role of a wild boar. Just…not believable.

– It’s supposed to sleet here tonight. Great. Ice falling from the sky. Awesome.

T-T-T-T-TRUE DAT FACT: Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. (What a bunch of assholes but still…true dat)

the Fins don't want no duck penis floppin' around Helsinki

– There is a Wal-Mart commercial where a guy is about to meet his friends in the driveway, but decides to play another game of Wii instead. His friends are left in the car, honking, waiting for him. If I was in that car, I’d be like, “HEY, I SEE YOU IN THE WINDOW! WHAT THE FUCK? I SAW YOU PUSH A FOR NEW GAME! I WATCHED YOU!! WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU OUT HERE, IT’S SUPPOSED TO RAIN ICE TONIGHT!!”

– Remember wanting to look something up before the internet? You’d have to go to the local library. And before there was a library, well, you just made shit up.

"FMLLLLL, I have to like, go someplace, and interact with like, books?"
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