good mourning

– 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don’t die throughout the movie. Right off the bat TRUE DAT FACT SON!

i smell orphan

– I was driving my car today, and a squirrel ran out into the road. Seeing as I had 2Pac blasting, I wasn’t sure if I had killed it or not. I looked in my rearview and there was a dead squirrel in the road. I then entered the 7 stages of grief:

1) Shock and Denial: I was flabbergasted that I had killed an innocent animal. I actually believed that maybe the dead squirrel I saw was actually killed by someone else before me, and the one that ran in the road had escaped.

This Week Mike Is:


2) Pain and Guilt: I then began to feel immense pain for killing one of nature’s most beloved children. I knew I had done it, and worried that other drivers would see the squirrel and know that I had killed it. I felt like a monster, why me?

3)Anger and Bargaining: WHY ME???? If only I wasn’t going so fast, if only 2Pac wasn’t blasting, if only I swerved out of the way… Mr. Chestnuts (that’s what I named him) would have his life. It was 2Pac’s fault!! Not mine! If I never listen to 2Pac again, will you bring Mr. Chestnuts back to life??

– So the guy that invented Braille wasn’t born blind…no no no. One day he was working in his dad’s workshop and a knife “slipped” and  “plunged” into his eye. Keyword….plunged. If I were him I wouldn’t have focused on making an alphabet for the blind – I would have focused on making “slip-proof” knives.

Louis Braille was also apparently made of metal.

4) Depression, Loneliness and Reflection: I began to feel cold, sitting in my car alone. I thought of Mr. Chestnuts family awaiting his return. I thought of what I had done to deserve this. I was in a maelstrom of sorrow, I SHOULD  have been the one under the car…and not Mr. Chestnuts. What kind of person listens to music and kills wildlife….that’s how serial killers get their start. I wanted to call someone for support, but noone knew what it was like.

– I recently stayed at a historic hotel in Annapolis, the capital of the great state of Maryland. It used to be a house in the 1700’s. Anyway, in the hotel room was a portrait of an old woman. Talk about unnecessary. I couldn’t sleep right, I kept waking up thinking the woman was watching me. When I checked out I asked about the woman in the picture. The concierge told me, “oh, she was just a common whore.”

she still owes Daddy, her pimp, $300 in the afterlife - and Hell's exchange rate is miserable

5) Upward Turn: I began to think of the glorious life of Mr. Chestnut. He had a good one, and I began to place less blame on myself and my not-so-reckless driving. The sun began to shine just a little brighter.

6) Reconstruction: I planned for the future, and 2Pac was turned back to it’s original volume. I took a deep breath.

– I’ve been wearing a Cal Ripken shirt all day. Do I need to say anything else?

7) Acceptance and Hope: I accepted the fact that I was a squirrel killer, but I knew it was only involuntary. I knew the future would be better, and I hoped Mr. Chestnut….wherever he is…forgives me.

R.I.P. Mr. Chestnuts

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