“i will sue, your nightmare.”

– Why buy a sleep number bed when you can just buy an air mattress instead? Put that shit into a frame, throw some sheets on it…bam, all you need.

funny joke: i slept about as well as a porcupine on an air mattress ...OHHHH SNAPP

– I almost find it insulting that there are Proactiv and acne medicine commercials on TV saying they can get rid of  blackheads. Why do they exist?  How can you see blackheads on a TV screen? You can barely see them in real life.

– How do you get the job where you are “texting with hot singles” (and the singles are paying 1 dollar per text). I would be great on the other end of that thing.  “Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. So you are up late.” or  “What time did youuuuuu eat dinner?” That’s 2 bucks right there and we haven’t even broken into the good stuff.

"Daddy lets me watch rated R movies."

– Some woman complimented my bone structure at work. What do you say to something like that?

– So Diddy came into the place I work yesterday. He reserved three large tables on the 3rd floor, a  large amount of space at this DC Club. Anyway, Diddy hired an artist to paint a picture of him while he was at the club!!! What a baller. Could it be a new masterpiece? For some reason when I think of having someone paint your picture, I envision a guy with a beret, an easel, and one of those egg- shaped,hand- held paint swatches made of wood, with some French music playing (like the below example).. It will probably come out a lot more like a caricature you would get in a booth next to the log flume.

Isn’t this what you envision someone painting a picture would listen to while painting a picture?

-Listen to my detour tonight: I had to walk to the Metro, wait for the Metro, board the Metro, get off the Metro, go up an escalator, wait for a bus, get onto a bus, ride to Metro stop A, wait for riders to exit the bus, start crying, drive bus to Metro B, get off the bus, walk to the Metro station, go down an escalator, wait for the Metro, stop crying, board the Metro, get off the Metro, walk to my car, drive.

– In response to the Jupiter Jack commercial: “I am guilty of driving while using a cellphone.”

in some states this is worse than involuntary manslaughter

– Is it too late for me to want to end my sentences with other punctuation marks> Exciting% Right> Right>> Right*

– If I was really mad, and I mean realllly mad at someone, I would put broken glass into their pinata.

imagine Timmy getting a blindfold full of old Miller Lite bottles - he wont ever take StarFox from ME again.

– Snapping a CD in half is not nearly as easy as it should be.

– Did you know that Turkey’s instinctively swallow small stones to help them grind the food in their stomach? Weird dat fact.

– If I ever own a gas station I will call it Vin’s Diesel.

pumpin gas since my career ended in 2003

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