for my broad abroad

– At a University in Atlanta, a time capsule complete with mannequins, film reels, typewriters and other shit from the 30’s is locked underground. It is not to be opened until the year 8113. My question is, if aliens are supposed to come down and find this time capsule in the future…what is going to possess them to start looking in Atlanta?

– Aren’t snakes weird? What a fundamentally different creature than humans.

yeah we're different, but i think we can be friends.

– When I was in London I saw the Rosetta Stone, the tool that helped the Western world decipher Egyptian hieroglyphics. Quite unbelievable. Thank god no one decided to throw this out.

im gonna make this my countertop when i make a million

– A new show called “Food Tech” has an overweight host describing how, “your favorite foods get from the farm or the factory, to you.” Last time I checked, that premise was called “Unwrapped”. Assholes.

– I hate when my dog takes up more space on the couch than I do.

now i know where the term "bitch" comes from

– So dig this, yesterday the contact in my left eye started itching…so I itched it. As I did so, the vision in my eye went blurry. I wasn’t too happy about this, and began searching the floor, the table, and my sweatshirt for my lens. I can’t find it anywhere. So I just take the other one out and put my glasses on, whatever. A whole day and night goes by and I wake up to an itchy eye. As I touch my eye I feel the CONTACT LENS, that had been lodged somewhere in the back of my eye the the entire time! I felt so gross after that.


– So I heard today that Royal Caribbean is still docking ships…in Haiti. They lease a private island from the Haitian government, and continue bringing tourists in. So people are getting drunk and eating a bounty of food, while only a few miles away people are still buried alive. And we wonder why many countries despise the US.

– A woman on the street asked me for $1.37 … so I gave her $2, because I just dont carry that exact change with me. She didn’t tell me why she needed it  and she didn’t tell God to bless me. So I began thinking, maybe this woman just wanted to see if she could get a stranger to give her money. It would seem she succeeded.

– So you can make Soy Milk and Soy Sauce from the same plant…. ewwwwwww.

what's next, beans?

– If I was a geometrical shape that needed a ride, I would catch the Rhom….Bus. Shout out to Chippy who hates the Rhombus for some reason.

– Kraft Cheese says, “A country is only as good as it’s cheese and at least ours doesn’t have holes in it!” …If I was Swiss I would be like, “It is the bacteria in the cheese’s maturation process that creates the signature air pockets you uncultured American ass.”

go pepperjack yourself America

– I wish there were “Cover Comedians” like there are “Cover Bands.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s