are lava lamps bottled at the source orrrrrrrrrr what?

– On the highway I’ll be driving and see one of those light up signs that says, “Report Suspicious Activity. Call 800-xxx-xxx” Who calls this? I almost want to call one day and ask, “What do you mean be suspicious exactly? Isn’t that kind of subjective?”

"hi, umm yeah, my friend is talking in his sleep....help me."

– Something happened to me today that only happens in the rising action of horror films. I pull into a spot at the Metro station and I open my car door to get out. As I do, about 4 birds fly right into it!!!! I guess they couldn’t change their flight pattern in time. It happened so quickly and unexpectedly that I shouted in suprise. Luckily noone was around to hear a grown ass man scream in public. One of the birds dropped on the ground and just hung out there for a minute. I honestly thought that it was gonna fly INTO my car…but i scared the little bastard away. Weird right? I thought it was an omen, or some bizzare bit of foreshadowing of things yet to come.

–  This VW ‘punch buggy’ advertisement campaign could realistically get them into trouble.”IN OTHER NEWS, A local man was beat to death at a neighborhood VolksWagen dealership. His murderer claims, ‘i just kept punching him, i couldn’t stop!!!! It’s not my fault, I just did what the TV told me to do.”

– Liquid Plumber has a product called ,”Foaming Pipe Snake”…..ew.

– I’ve been here:

no, its not Jurassic Park

– I find contact lenses to be a little weird. Its like a space age idea to put a gel-like film OVER your eyeball. Touch screens are also pretty cool too.

– So it is well known that Clark Kent would wear his Superman outfit underneath his work clothes. So my question is, where did he put that cape? He must have had to tuck it into a pant leg, making him look like he has a giant tumor. Does he wear those red boots under his dress shoes? Where does he put all of his work clothes when he has to go save the day? Does he have a garment bag? How many identical pairs of fake glasses does he have at his apartment?

has to shop at goodwill on account of his reporters salary

– Other cultures read from right to left, so my question is…who broke the mold? Thats a mild revolution right there.

– “Grinder” is an app on the iphone where a gay man can find, approximately, how many feet are between him and the closest gay man. What happens when the klan gets wind of this?

– Alan Jackson would make a great Vice President. Think about it, imagine some function in France and in walks the VP Alan Jackson. Bam, he will get what he came for.

"i SAID you're gonna honor our god damn free trade agreement"

– It is against the law to catch a fish with your bare hands in Kansas. TRUE DAT FACTSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

he'll be sharing a cell with a rapist
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