Coney Island Dub: Escape from New York

– Sorry yall, I moved to New York. Well, now that that’s out of the way…

– So about a week into moving into my lovely apartment, I decided it would be a good idea to go check out Coney Island. Being a “bama” from the Mid-Atlantic, I thought Coney Island was this historical gem of New York. A place where vendors sold cotton candy, people rode ferris wheels, and Japanese men ate 68 hotdogs in a row. Unfortunately, that was not what awaited me when I got off the train.

"This postcard made with 100% broken dreams"

– So i take the train about an HOUR AND A HALF to the southernmost tip of Brooklyn. While on the train I am being stared at by a latino gentleman with his hood up in 85 degree weather. He kinda looks like Batman, except the type of Batman that the Scarecrow sees in Batman Begins one he is exposed to his own poison.

– On a sidenote, I heard a rumor that Eminem was going to play the part of “The Riddler” in the next Batman movie. At first you might be like, “Whattttt???” But think back to when you heard chick-flick-bitch Heath Ledger was gonna play “The Joker”……how do you feel now.

"What can you put in a bucket that makes it lighter? Huh? You whack ass bat lookin bitch ass fuck shit?"

– So I get off the train and I immediately go to Nathan’s Famous Hotdogs. The place that holds the hotdog eating contest every fourth of July, plus they are just a famous hotdog place. Anyway, I get 2 hotdogs to-go in a box. One is a regular with mustard, the other a chili-cheese (yes, I got violently ill afterwards, but more on that later.) So I eat both dogs completely leaving only the condiments and scraps like any normal person. I place my box into the trash, and no sooner than I put it in- a homeless man takes it out, opens it, and eats it. Wow. I was pretty disgusted. I found it kind of rude to be perfectly honest. I felt used, and violated. But when you think about it, that’s like fresh food for that guy. Who really gives a fuck? But that should give you a good idea of Coney Island, a place where the homeless literally wait for you by the trashcan.

It only took two to absolutely ruin my afternoon

– True Dat Fax: The hotdog was introduced to the United States in 1867 on Coney Island. Shortly followed by the term, “the shits” in 1870.

– So I make my way to the famous boardwalk, where I see homeless people sleeping on benches, rooting through garbage, one guy was even showering at one of the beach showers with his jeans on…..what the fuck?

"WELCOME TO NEW YAAAAKK, i'll eat your food and all other shits whenever I feel like its!"

– I decide to have a nice sitdown on the beach, and stare into the horizon of the Atlantic. Luckily I had shoes on because, no joke, EVERY step I took was riddled with broken glass. Every…..step. I could not believe it. Who COMES HERE????? Like who really enjoys it? Go to a nicer beach for gods sake! Sure, maybe that amusement park is cool, but it was shut down when I was there. The abandoned amusement park only gave me a deeper feeling of desolation and despair that is Coney Island.

this should be the real postcard for CI

– So now that I am truly thinking about getting a tetnis shot, I feel that Nathans catching up to me. So I scurry to the only available bathroom, which happens to be the public bathroom/beach rinse off station. I get in there and there are people dripping with water in their bare feet, and I’m like….ewww. So I go to a stall where I am about to enjoy Nathan’s for the second time. I felt like this bathroom was a military barracks, I was suprised there were doors on the stalls. I go to lift the seat up just to see if I should hover over the rim, and as I do PISS pours from underneath it. I don’t know how it’s possible to get that much piss UNDER the toilet seat but that guy did. So that was a nice relaxing shit.

Sorry, this is the real postcard for Coney Island

This Week Mike Is:

please enjoy the song “Welcome” by 311 where you will notice the lyrics, “A Coney Island of the mind it’s mine // I swipe the sweets strip the beats in the sunshine”


One thought on “Coney Island Dub: Escape from New York”

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