pickin up sticks

– The other day my roommate was demonstrating how the Shaolin monks defeated the invading Mongols with martial arts, in doing so he accidentally punched me in the face.

imagine that to the teeth

– I was hungry the other day so I decided to check out a local sushi place. Not being satisfied with my meal, I noticed a pizza parlor directly across the street. I went in for a slice. After that I walked about 30 feet and happened upon a taco truck and ordered a carnitas taco. After my food sampling from around the world, I promptly shat my brains out. Soy, marinara and salsa just don’t mix.

– There is an area of New York called the “Meatpacking District” – a name many 12 year old boys have a difficult time saying with a straight face.

"mom doesn't know I make gay jokes at school."

– I just watched a commercial that ended with a lawyer saying, “Bankruptcy isn’t the end. It’s a new beginning!” He’s going to hell.

– What if somoeone wanted to use a “street shout out” on Cash Cab, but the only person in sight had headphones on and didn’t hear them asking for their help. Would that count as their shout out? Or would they be allowed to ask someone else? I guess that’s a risk you take with those street shout outs. What if the person is deaf? What if they don’t speak english? It’s too risky.

"HELP ME!!!!!! HEY! YOUUUUU! WH....WHERE ARE YOU GOING? STOP! I NEED TO GET TO A HOSPITAL!!! STOP WALKING!!!"

– I was walking up a flight of stairs out of the subway and was immediately hit with the smell of shit. To make matters worse, a homeless man was pulling up his pants. Basically, I walked in on him shitting in a public place. I know what you’re thinking and yes, we did make eye contact.

– If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. Wow dat fact playa.

– On my FIVE HOUR bus ride back to NY, some woman whips out a tuna fish sandwich. How rude. Have some sort of respect. Speaking of respect, on this same bus ride the Indian man directly across the aisle from me plays an Indian movie on his laptop without headphones. If it was Gladiator it may have been okay, but people just kept glancing until he turned it off.

after about 4 minutes, death kind of makes sense

– For the love of god, if you are on a dark bus turn the fucking brightness down on your laptop. The 35 people behind you hate you.

-Some people just shouldn’t write things in public. What are you? Eminem? Jack Kerouac? You aren’t an artist or a novelist so do it in private. You missed the beat generation asshole. Text it to yourself and get with it.

i wish i was important i wish i was important i wish i was important i wish i was important i wish i was important i wish i was important i wish i was important

– I was in FedEx Kinkos making printing some shit, and some woman brings her dog in with her. She is sitting there talking on the phone about some probationary hearing, and her dog is barking. Now had it been anywhere but a FedEx Kinkos I probably would have moved or said something, but since its a desolate wasteland anyway I just accepted it as part of the environment.

This Week Mike Is:

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