starter jackets

– I’m under the impression that a violinist must be really great at brushing their teeth. All that up and down motion at a very fast rate. Well, now that I think about it, they must be good at other things too.

– Sometimes when I’m walking down the street, I like to walk a little too close to strangers and pretend we are a large posse about to “roll-in” someplace. This effect is heightened by the music that happens to be on my ipod at the time and/or whether or not I imagine it in slow motion.

me and the gang rollin out to the tune of "mambo #5" in slow motion

– I heard a 35 year old man honestly say, “later skater” to someone.

This video IS ridiculous. It’s like a Where’s Waldo or something. See if  YOU can spot: a boy scout, a butcher, ladies dancing in a department store, the tin man, dorothy, steven tyler humping the floor, steven tyler humping the air, a woman on her hands and knees dressed up like a lion walking backwards as steven tyler holds a chair and pretends to whip her, a man dancing with a midget, 2 dogs, a giant woman dancing with a midget.

– I had a dream last night (technically this morning) that I was in some room sampling a bunch of salsas. One of the salsas I was eating was clear, as opposed to the usual red. Why the fuck was I eating that? I would never eat that. However, in the same dream I stole my dad’s motorcycle which had rollerblade wheels instead of regular ones. That….I think I would do.

talk about a smooth ride

– I was trying to find a Subway yesterday because I was just in the mood for a sub. I used the modern convenience of the internet and type in my address to locate the closest place. Before I did this I was pretty sure there was one up the street from me, but I wanted to double check so I didn’t get there to find “Subway Debt Counselors” or something. I type in my address, and nothing comes up. That’s strange because I know there is one there. Why isn’t it on the internet? So I dismiss google and go straight to the source, Subway.com. It isn’t on there either! I forget about it and make a toaster pizza which, unfortunately, burned in the oven. As I arrive back from the city later that day I look to see if I had been correct in my assumption. It was there! The internet was simply wrong. And I paid $7.89 for a $5 foot long. This story was unnecessary.

– I was in a deli yesterday and witnessed that the deli-man behind the counter had rolled up a napkin into a cone like shape, shoved it far up into his nose, and rotated it aggressively to remove alllllllllllll the mucus and booger shit that he had in there. Most people would have the decency to go in the back room or turn around, not this guy. But hey, at least it wasn’t a piece of turkey.

"i'll take...a pound of roast beef?"

-I wish I lived in the 60’s, maybe the 80’s too. I’m glad I did live in the 90’s. But who the fuck in the future is gonna be like, “man, I wish I was around in the 10’s.” No one.

– I got on the wrong train the other day, taking me where I didn’t wanna go, as most wrong trains have a tendency to do. After I collect my thoughts I look around the train. EVERYBODY was asian. I was like, “uhhhhhhhh.” How weird is that? I thought I was in the Twilight Zone or something. Seriously, I’m not exaggerating, every person was asian.

– I was in a taxi last night coming back into Queens from Manhattan. We drive past the setting for the final battle scene in the movie “Highlander”. I shouted, “That’s where the climax of Highlander took place!!” No one cared or even acknowledged me.

– Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. Fuck em dat fact.

wow.
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