his mind is a weapon

– I’ve been watching too much SVU. I was in a crowded bar and flexed my Ice-T impression by saying, “So you like rapin’ little girls huh???” Didn’t go over well. In fact I was asked to lower my voice.

"Get me a beer you child molester behind the bar."

– When you fart in privacy, do you have a moment of anxiety that someone is going to walk in? Think of the shame.

– Okay blog fans have I got a story for you. So remember a couple days ago when I posted about the homeless man in the subway that I made eye contact with? The one that was shitting in the subway station??? Well….I was walking out of the same subway station this afternoon, up the very stairs I had my previous encounter. I think to myself, “what are the odds this guy is here again?” I round the top of the stairs and see the very same homeless man…..lying naked on the subway floor. His pants are down, his penis is out, he is nude and exposed. I am shocked. I couldn’t do anything to help him, I was too shocked. If it was anyone else, anywhere else, I would have immediately rushed to their aid. I felt bad walking past this guy, not offering to help. What can you do? Clearly this must be his thing. Wow.

imagine this, but complete with penis and the stench of human waste...and english written on the wall

– I worked this week with a guy that used to work at Tavern on the Green in Central Park. He is from Algeria and speaks broken English. He said that he waited on so many celebrities at his old job. Hillary Clinton, Al Pacino, Michael Jackson just to name a few. He claimed Robert DeNiro knows him by name. He also said that Alec Baldwin hates gay people. He said a very gay man came up to him and asked for a picture, Baldwin flat out said, “no.” After the gay guy left, Baldwin proceeded to make gay jokes and explain how he could forsee that picture in the tabloids with the headline, “Baldwin’s Gay!”

allllllllllllllllllright sure alec, i get it, i hear ya loud and clear

– I was walking down the street this afternoon when a bird was flying right at my face. Most birds will fly out of your way as if they have some sort of sonar, but not this one. It was bee-lining it straight for my head. I move out of the way and watch as it just continued on it’s path. Just then a man DRIVING a UPS truck shouts from behind the wheel of his giant moving van, “THAT BIRD ALMOST HIT YOU IN THE FACE!” I was like, “YOU SAW THAT????????”

This Week Mike Is

– There is a show on TLC entitled Police Women of Dallas. I hope the theme is Lady Officer. Wait….that’s sexist. Yeah, that’s kind of sexist. That would be cool though. Right?

– I’m so bored I am actually watching Little People, Big World. I need a reality check. Someone please give me a call. Help me. Someone.

– I once contemplated singing a 2Pac song at karaoke. I then realized he said “nigga” about 14 times in the song. I went for an Aqua song instead.

This Week Mike is Not

– BUT WAIT: On the aforementioned show, they are discussing the best way to put their dog to sleep. The dad would really like to put a bullet in his dogs head, and cannot understand why that’s an issue. Meanwhile, his wife and kids are like, “NOOO!”

– Winnie The Pooh must have been subject to quite a few “shit” jokes when he was a kid in the schoolyard. “Here comes Winnie the Shit!!!” or the soul wrecking, “I just took a Winnie.”

he carries that honey jar in case of emergencies

– Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell. Think about that true dat. Shout out to Justin Looney who was actually born a fully grown adult.

– Senior Citizens are old people. So I guess that makes me a Sophomore Citizen.

– Whatever happened to laser pointers? Talk about a fad. Teachers everywhere must have been Winnie-ing their pants when that shit got into the hands of the American youth.

– I was on the Subway and saw an add for Timex watches. I then realized that Timex would be a great name for a Thai-Mexican fusion restaurant.

regularly scheduled diarrhea

– If I knew a guy named Tim and he wanted to own a shipping company….I think he should call it Tim…ex??? No? Anybody? Timex? Okay, I’m done.

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