king for a day

– The state of Florida is bigger than England. OHHHHH! SPANISH PROVINCE DAT FACT SONNNNNNNN!

– I wonder if there are turkey farmers that wake up on the day after Thanksgiving and say something corny  like, “Welp, here we go again!”

– Britney Spears came out with a line of perfumes over the past decade including: Curious, Fantasy, Believe, and my personal favorite, In Control. Who is unfortunate enough to work at the offices for those companies. Who buys that shit? Are they still in business? The headquarters is probably like 4 people in a one story office building in Delaware.

– What type of life is Monica Lewinsky possibly living? She is somewhere out there right now. Perhaps driving a car, maybe putting a letter into the mailbox, or even waving to the local produce merchant. She must get carded at Applebees or at Liquor Stores or whenever she gets pulled over. There must be a moment when the person holding the id is casually like, “your……..your Monica Lewinsky!?

– I’d like to think that the guy that took this picture…

…was doing  something like this:

And thinking something like, “Oh, I got you now mothafucka.”

– Get in the X-Mas Spirit

– Ya know that new Dominoes commercial? The one where they have a focus group saying, “they probably don’t use real cheese” and the walls open up and they are on a dairy farm? This commercial doesn’t make sense to me. Clearly, all of the people in the focus group drove out to the middle of nowhere to have this meeting in the first place. What is so shocking about suddenly finding yourself back outside?

OH MY GOD! We're back....in.....the parking lot. Oh. That's right I drove here.

– Subways are a lot like a bowling alley. you just need to wash your hands when its done. I used to think it was gross to go to a bowling alley, but one subway train sees probably 10 times the amount of people than a bowling alley on a given day. This statistic makes it much more disgusting. Just think of all the fingers and palms. I grabbed a pole today that felt almost waxy, as opposed to the frictionless smooth feel of a regular subway pole.

"Anyone got any Purell?"

– I thought I saw a friend walking towards me from a distance. It turns out it was just a stranger with a cerebral palsy limp. I won’t be telling my friend that I thought I saw her. But I will be telling my optometrist that we have a problem.

– I wish people could get voice transplants easily. Ya know, like some sort of cosmetic “job” similar to that of the boob or the nose. If I could replace my voice it would probably be that of Alec Baldwin, Michael Douglas, or a 1950’s Radio Announcer.

After Surgery This Week Mike Is

– In New York, you can buy 10 postcards for a dollar. If you just want them individually, they cost 25 cents each. What a logic trap! The savvy consumer can never let a good deal escape him. Now I have 9 postcards that I don’t know what to do with.

– I need a job so bad I applied to work in an ice cream shop. Yes, I have a bachelors degree. I don’t know what’s worse, that I am applying at an ice cream store or that they haven’t called me back. I guess college isn’t a good line on my resume for that field of work.

it makes sense considering this is the manager

–  In elementary school we would go play kickball on the blacktop. Upon further inspection, shouldn’t it be called the diversity top?

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