i said no, Vember!

– I think every man wishes for the type of emergency (zombie attack, alien invasion, virus outbreak, impending shit getting real) for them to turn to their wives and say, “pack your things and go stay at your mothers.” What a badass thing to have to say.


– I wish I could switch on the voice that Kanye uses to say, “Cause they got more ASS than the models.” You know what I’m talkin about.

– The phrase, “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye” is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, “No eye gouging.” Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone’s eye out. I can see that match like, “Woah, woah, woah Marty….what the hell are you doing man?? You can’t be doing that shit. Stick something up his ass or something, but…c’mon dude. We’re professionals here.” Oh, and true dat fact.

"Marty! You keep playin like that, you will never be immortalized on a piece of pottery. I'm serious."

– Last night I was standing outside of a bar when a  homeless man strolls up to me and a friend. He says, “Do you guys wanna hear a joke?”  The man proceeds to say, “A man is talking with his girlfriend and he says, ‘Baby, tonight I think I wanna get a little kinky.’ The girlfriend says, ‘Oh yeah? What do you wanna do?’ The boyfriend says, ‘Tonight, when we are having sex I think I wanna finish in your ear.’ The girlfriend is taken aback by this and says, ‘I don’t know baby, I heard that if you do that I’ll go deaf!’ The boyfriend looks at his girlfriend like she is a jackass and says, ‘What?! I’ve been comin’ in your mouth this whole time and that hasn’t shut you the fuck up!” My friend gave him a dollar.

– Whatever happened to the band Fastball?

– Last night, a different homeless man tried to tell me that “Chi-town” is a nickname for Washington D.C. as well as Chicago. He is blatantly wrong. But my friend gave him a dollar anyway.

trust me, i know what i'm talking about

– I was on the street near Times Square when a young rapper approached me. He wanted me to give him a donation in exchange for his rap demo. When I told him I didnt have any cash, he said he took debit. First of all, I have found myself in this trap before. Loyal readers will remember the time I ran into a Hare Krishna on the Maryland campus who presented an ATM machine. I learned my lesson then and immediately declined any sort of donation to this fledgling rapper. Second of all, how sketchy is that? In this age of identity theft, the last thing I wanna do is turn my credit card information over to someone who probably raps about stealing, crime, and how much he needs money.

After I declined, I asked the guy, “So how would you classify your rap style in comparison to an established rapper?” He wasn’t prepared for this pseudo-essay question and said, “I don’t normally like to define myself, but I would say I’m like a mix between DMX and 50 Cent.” In my head I was like, “Wow, two amazingly successful role models to use as a template.” But alas, I just walked away after whitely exclaiming, “keep it real!”

I should have done what Bernie Mac does at :35 in this video. Fast forward to it!

– All of these crunchy, dead leaves on the ground must really make it the difficult season for stalkers.


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