i can’t get no…

– Many people are freaked out by the prospect of sleeping in a bed with Michael Jackson, but not me. I would relish the opportunity. Just imagine turning off the lights, setting your alarm for tomorrow and then saying, “Night, Michael!” To which he would say, “Goodnight Michael!” Sounds like paradise to me. And if I had a bad dream or couldn’t sleep that night, I would wake up and say, “Michael? Can you sing to me?” He would of course say yes and bust out an acapella version of this:  

– My Irish Spring deodorant (yeah, they make that)says, “Start your day like a true Irishman!” If I was a less educated man I would assume that mean’t: drink a fifth of whiskey, eat potatoes and chase as many snakes away from me as possible.

How Mike starts his day

– A pair of Jeans suck after you wash them. Not only do they lose all discernable character, but they are a few sizes smaller than before. The latter effect makes you feel like some dirty hipster, or a morbidly obese version of yourself. I usually will do lunges and squats to stretch them out again, often in vain.

– My wooden toothpick broke while using it, becoming lodged in an unreachable crevice of my back-right molar. That shouldn’t happen. If that isn’t an outcome contrary to expectations I don’t know what is. I then had to worry about wood rotting in my mouth until I could find a some floss.

resembles the inside of Mikes mouth right about now

– Don’t you hate it when you are talking to someone and they start looking around the room? It’s as if what you have to say is so fucking uninteresting they can’t even muster up the decency to maintain eye contact with you for 2 minutes. Fuck you.

– Furthermore, nothing is more insulting in our modern times than when you put on a song at a party (usually via a communal iPod) and then someone immediately comes over and changes it. Like, what the fuck!!! Who the fuck are you??? You can’t let this Sublime song ride out before you put on your bullshit Adele hit single. Learn some respect you piece of shit.

– Job titles aren’t as manly as they used to be. Back in WWII when someone was drafted they would say to another soldier, “What do you do back home?” The answers varied, however the nature of their responses stayed the same. “I was a construction worker” or, “I was a mechanic” or “I was a butcher!” If that happened today, the question would remain the same but the jobs would sound so much more pussified. “I was a creative liason for a major pharmeceuticals company” or “I was a social media blogger for a bakery!” or, “I used to suck mens dicks for money.”


– Coffee in Chinese is pronounced “Cof-fay” – basically the way a stereotypical gay man would say it in English.

– Ever bitten into an Onion Ring and been attacked by the molten hot onion lurking within the breading? Gets me every single time. I’ll never learn to suppress my desires.

– I could swear to god I saw Kirsten Dunst pushing a stroller at Barnes and Noble the other day. I then saw that the baby in the stroller was black, and just then decided that it couldn’t have been her.

Doesn't push black babies in strollers at book stores

– “Paying it Backwards” is my new thing. It’s the exact opposite of “Paying it Forward” – basically reciprocating bad deeds for society. For example my umbrella was stolen at a restaurant on a rainy day, but lord knows I wasn’t gonna leave without an umbrella. So I perused the stack of other innocent, unsuspecting umbrellas and stole someone elses umbrella. Payin it backwards bitch.

– Speaking of which, whatever happened to Haley Joel Osment? His career really died.

– A Mexican man at work slapped me in the face for using the word “motherfucker” one too many times. No joke. He got in my face and was like, “I’ve told you not to say that.” I guess he didn’t like it when I said it once more…so he slapped me. I could have gotten him fired on the spot, but I like having the potential to blackmail at my disposal. Fuck you Antonio.

don't cuss around mexicans

– I sat next to a girl today that smelled just like cotton candy.

– Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Tru Dat Magic Kingdom Fact bitch.

much like bruce wayne, walt harnessed his bitch ass fears of rodents

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