the ardley 10 and other mysteries from the deep

– I saw newlyweds taking their wedding photos on a crowded subway train car. TACKY ALERT!! What’s next? A supermarket? A public restroom? Needless to say, the photographer was a little embarrassed to be a part of that nonsense.

im poor and have no taste

– I saw a latino woman the other day with a large mole on her nose. Im talking the kind of mole that looks almost like someone smeared black gum on the bridge of her nose. It wasn’t a birthmark, which would have been the same texture as the skin. This was a mole, an elevated mass with a mind of its own. A few things popped in my head when I saw this woman…

A) Is that thing cancerous? Most people freak out if they have a little speck on their body, sometimes even going so far as to get it removed. This woman has a quarter sized, black blob right on her face. Better get that looked at.

B) Does this affect her vision? It is right on the bridge of her nose, so surely it must always be in her sightline. Actually, every human is always looking at their nose but our brains just say, “who gives a fuck” and ignore it. This woman on the other hand, her eyes will eventually be like, “ALRIGHT! IM DONE!”

C) Does this woman have issues of self esteem? Beauty, in most cultures, is something most people strive for. This latina is always reminded of just how far away that goal is.

– I have slowly realized that I no longer need to look at the keys when I’m typing. It’s kind of similar to the day i realized I can grow a 5 o’clock shadow…at 5 o’clock. Shout out to Darby Dozier who is the only one who congratulated me that day via Facebook.

Speaking of 5’oclock…

– I recall the day I met my landlord. She is an older woman that speaks broken english, really frail and pale. I moved in a hot summer afternoon and she wanted to greet me, like any woman from her country, with a kiss and a hug. For some reason I go to hug her, and I put both of my hands on her forearms to lean in for a kiss. I remember my hands literally sliding down this old womans, sweat drenched arms. I kissed her on the cheek which was also coated in a fresh layer of senior citizen juice. Needless to say, I avoid her now at all costs and always carry some purell.

– I was told, on a street corner, that a psychic that lives in a building near the street is, “an amazing psychic!” The woman telling me this was an overweight black woman with a lazy eye. Her partner, a middle aged white woman that had blue eye shadow and a patchy beard also told me how good, “Olivia” is. They went on to say she only charges $5 for a reading but it will, “change your life.” Plus, you can just walk right in (she lives there, so it would kind of be like going to see the Oracle in her apartment). So let me get this straight, 5 bucks and no appointment? She’s a fake.

the white woman that really relies on Olivia's services

– Someone found out I was from Maryland and said, “Maryland huh? I think you guys have the best flag in the US.” Considering the guy was from a different state I was like, “FUCK YEAH WE DO! I’m glad you recognize that too.” He said, “Yeah, it looks like something you would fly at a…”

I cut him off and said, “…a joust!!”

He had no idea what I was talking about and said meekly, “a…a race.” I guess I was keepin it real with the MD STATE SPORT BITCH! But alas, I went too far and scared away yet another potential friend.

Marylander

– Trying to relate to someone by randomly exclaiming, “Man, I could really go for some mac and cheese right about now” never works. It’s too specific. They may not even be hungry or like cheese.

– I love watching people look at themselves in windows. They think they are being slick, but I can see them. It’s like a reverse vanity.

– Washington Capitals….it’s a damn shame. We’ll get em next year. We really got nothing but time.

– Gary Williams, you will be missed. But not by all of the 17 year old girls you’ve groped in College Park. I’m sure there is a hotline set up exclusively for them. Perhaps now, they will finally get some closure.

you'll be missed, i'm just playin with you g

– Latest celebrity sighting: Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I wanted to go up and say, “Hey! I know you! I loved your show!” But I didn’t want to appear gay in public.

this week mike isn't

– I recently asked a bartender friend if the tattoo on his right forearm was, “new.” Considering I haven’t seen him in over a month he looks back at me and dryly says, “Well, it’s been there for about 1o years now.”

– The shortest war on record was fought between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. Like one bullet went off and they were like, “WOAH! Okay, stop stop stop stop stop.We’re done.” TRUE DAT FAX

anyone that lives here is like, "look, we don't gotta fight, let's just...let's just get high over by that tree."
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