I encountered an absolutely CRAZY man in the wee hours of Friday the 13th. I was so shocked, and so taken aback by his actions that I had to record everything that happened. Think of what you are about to read like I was a reporter explaining events as they unfolded in real time. Also, picture an INSANE CLOWN MAN COME TO LIFE. the following is a 100% accurate transcription from my phone’s notepad:
“oh to be trapped on a 2am ‘7- train’ w a man that belongs in an insane asylum – missing teeth, guffawing like a CLOWN – speaking to “no-one”, but has everyone’s attention – just shouted, “6-1-9!” – generally a creepy clown with a CD Walkman – stands up and plays w fanny pack like a dick – im afraid to make eye contact – such a chilling laugh, like a demented clown – shouting random sentences like, “stuck it all the way in!” – he bunny hops out of seat and clings to bars like a monkey – donning an orange coat and matching backpack but wearing Asics and jeans – makin ppl uncomfortable to the point we all start speakin to each other and nodding at how peculiar he is – as if he’s on vaudeville – high pitched whines and strange movements – 2 men near me watch as if he is performing a masterpiece, pure wonder and amazement – the urge to feel bad is not present – he stood and began cawing like a toucan into his phone saying “KIKI!” over and over and over again – truly a madman – ppl were entertained as if he is some mad jester; harmless – he seemed mentally handicapped like a child on meth.”
TRUE DAT FAX
Unfortunately, my regular subway service was being repaired and I was forced to use the dreaded ‘7- train’. Just to correctly establish this environment, the 7 train was recently labeled, “The dirtiest subway line in new york city” by a Manhattan daily newspaper. The newspaper claimed that, due to budget cuts, the MTA had to scale back on it’s janitorial staff. The direct result of less people cleaning is that something’s gonna get fucking dirty. After a third party study, they determined the 7 train was the most nasty. True dat mass transit fact bitch
I walk onto a seemingly regular subway car. The vessel is well lit, and everyone appears to be in exceedingly average spirits. As I listen to my iPod, attempting to drown out the mass transit stench, I begin to notice people around me sporadically stare towards the other end of the train. As the looks became more frequent, I decided it was time to turn off my music and see what was goin down.
It is not unusual to have a homeless person to crisply say something like, “Excuse me please, I’m sorry everyone but god bless you for listening.” When some vagrant begins a formally prepared speech, everyone usually wishes they were somewhere else. Or dead. Or both.
I actually DO end up making eye contact with him, and then proceed to run over scenarios as to, “What i’d do if he came over to me?” or, “What do i do if he starts to talk to me?” or, “How soon can i kick his ass?” I promptly looked down in fear that if he saw me, he would come my way. Long story short, i was ready to kill last night.
The worst thing about this guy, was his haunting laugh. A guffaw would more accurately describe the power and volume of this man’s laughter. A laugh that is so chilling, it reminds the listener of some fictional, demented clown. The type of clown that spent time in some insane asylum, escaped, and disguised his appearance to walk amongst the living. Much like the joker, but not fake, real.
At this point his behavior was so bizarre, I began to fear for my safety. He was CAWING into his phone that clearly had not been dialed. Furthermore, who would call him? What crazy guy somewhere was like, “Oh shit! I gotta call Marty! I wonder what that mother-fucker is up to?”
Friday the 13th, Shmriday the 13th! This is how you gotta live every Friday, ya heard me?