a case of the mexican shits

Guess who is going to Mexico on June 13th??? ME! Now all you would-be-robbers know when to break into my apartment. Being an American, I am understandably concerned about going to Mexico and drinking the water. I am afraid of Montezuma’s Revenge.

If you don’t know, “Montezumas Revenge” is the term used for a foreigner’s sickness to the native drinking water of Mexico. The reason: a bacteria that tourists aren’t exposed to normally makes them shit uncontrollably if they drink any local water. Montezuma’s Revenge is just a clever name some witty Mexicans came up with, he didn’t actually tamper with a natural resource.

"HAHA white mannnn! Bienvenidos Putoooo!"

– Montezuma II, Emperor of Mexico from 1502 to 1520, help power when the Spanish arrived and began their conquest of the Aztec empire. My question is, why isn’t this water based shit-fest reserved for SPANISH tourists? Nobody in my family tree raped and pillaged Aztecs so why does my vacation to Cabo have to be spent on the John..or is it the Jose?

– If Montezuma actually DID cast some mystical spell over all the water in his Empire, I imagine him standing in some swamp with a large, wooden staff. He is dressed with a very large headdress and war paint. Skulls of men he has killed are dangling from his heavy necklace. Montezuma shouts a spell and plunges his staff into the swampy land. As he does this, a violet colored pulse emanates from where he stands. A veritable shockwave of color floods the mountains and valleys of Mexico. And so, his vengeance has been plotted.

"Fuck yall. Drink'n my water and shit! Fuck yall! Shit! Yall gonna shit!"

– Dudes, let’s face it. I’m gonna get this. I can see it now. I’m gonna be swimming in the pool, fucking around, and I’ll forget the consequences of my actions, as always, and accidentally sip a few drops of water. Perhaps I will forget to not get a frozen margarita, or forget to use bottled water to brush my teeth. Later, I will realize what I have done and by then it will be way too late. I’m gonna be so paranoid the entire time, thinking the waiter is trying to poison me by running my carnitas under a faucet.

– 40% of 17Million people that travel to Mexico feel the rath of Montezuma’s Revenge. That is 6.8Million cases of the game-time shits. Fuck DAT Fact!

This Week Mike Is...

– On a side note: Are there any Mexican Jewish people? Just imagine a sombrero yarmulke mash-up.

Montezuma’s Revenge sounds like:

A sex act

A nightclub

A drink

A sequel to a film called “Montezuma

– Sure I know what you are thinking, “But Mike, who cares if you get the shits? Aren’t you more worried about the fact that the US Dept. of State issued a warning to all Americans traveling to Mexico?” My answer: sure. I hope I don’t get kidnapped and beheaded, but god dammit luxury comes first.


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