stork police force at the heron hotel

– Man, Shania Twains career really died.

– I wonder if in some cheesy interview in the 90’s Shania was asked, “So, any relation to Mark Twain?” To which she would have embarassingly laughed and said, “Nooo, but I have always looked up to him.”

"Bitch, I'm the one that feels like a woman!"

– Rick, Drew, Adam, Bruce: names of my neighbors that I can’t forget.

– “Oximoron” the name for Billy Mays’ failed life. 

– Why don’t eyebrows grow as long as the rest of your hair on your body? I’d totally grow eye-dreads.

– I’m not normally prone to pollen, but today I cannot stop sneezing! And when I realize that I am breathing in tree sperm, it makes it all the more pleasurable.

"Aunt Rose! Stop stroking that tree! This is my graduation day and you're ruining it! YOU'RE RUINING IT! It's always gotta be about YOU Aunt Rose!"

– I recently called one of those pool torpedos, “Posiedon’s Dildo” while swimming. No one heard me so I repeated myself about 2 more times. No one acknowledged the statement or even laughed. I thought it was amusing, guessssss not.

– Shouldn’t the money symbol be changed from $ to an M with a line through it? C’mon guys, common cents.


– In NY you can get a slice of pizza for only a $1.00 at many places. Because of this, I now HATE paying more than that.

– My neighbor helped my fix up my bike today. He asked me to hand him a dark gray, almost  hunter green rag. He started wiping down my handlebars and seat with it. He gets to talking and says, “Yeah, this is microfiber, cleans everything. When I bought it it was baby blue.” In my head I was like, “EW! Throw that shit out!” But alas, I said nothing and probably now have AIDS.

Imagine this, but with absolutely not a shred of blue

– Whenever I see anyone wearing a Seafoam Green V-Neck I am obliged to shout, “HEY DOCTOR! NICE SCRUBS!” No one has ever liked that. It has, however, given me the idea that masquerading as a physician is easier than once thought.

– Rumor has it Heath Ledger locked himself in his room for a month to perfect the Joker voice. I wish I was an actor and could do outlandish things like that for the hell of it. People would be like, “Did you hear what Mike Gabaly did? He fuckin stood on his roof for 3 days drinking only 2% Milk facing the South just to get the facial expressions right for his revival of ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’.”

He must have gotten delivery a lot. Imagine that phone call. "Diet Coke....with Lemon."

TRUE DAT FAX: Every two thousand frowns creates one wrinkle. So you better smile it up ladies!


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