downward spirals to dead men

– Someone was referred to my blog by typing, “shorty mac having his way with 3 hefty white women” into Google. I take what I can get.

– I realized that there is no truly safe way to carry a knife. Think about it.

this could go wrong in so many ways

– You gotta buy the name brand “Q-Tips” or else you’ll get the cotton swabs with hollow plastic tubes that lack any strength. These leave your ear feeling even worse than when you started, and soon you’ll be regretting not spending that extra 75 cents.

not this q-tip, the other kind that people actually know

– When out at a restaurant, if the entire table says they don’t want dessert or coffee but ONE person says they WILL have coffee, it opens the floodgates. Now, everyone at the table is like, “I don’t wanna sit here for 25 more minutes watching Martha have some decaf.” Before you know it almost everyone has coffee and one person at least, “looked” at the dessert menu.

– If you have not seen this movie. See it. Netflix it. I don’t care. See it.

– Last night I went to a bar. The bartender told me an interesting story. He was an Irishman and in his Gaelic accent said, “Earlier, before you came in, a man sits down, orders a burger and a beer, and then disappears. He was gone but he left his iPhone, his keys, his wallet, his credit card and his train pass on the bar. He never came back.” Where did this guy possibly go? Maybe he was ditching his stuff like in “Into the Wild” or in “Enemy of the State”. We will never know, but of course I asked the bartender if, “I could come back tomorrow and buy that iPhone from you.”

– The feeling I get while shopping with girls must be the same feeling grandparents get while sitting on benches at amusement parks.

"run along Timmy, stand in that line for an estimated 45 minutes. i'll just be here in the hot August sun wearing a jacket and wool pants. don't mind me, have fun."

– I witnessed a girl tumble down 4 concrete steps and face plant onto the sidewalk below. She was silent and seemingly fell in slow motion. As she stood up she was unharmed except for a few scrapes. The scrapes will heal but the embarrassment will last a lifetime.

– Slow bank tellers should be shot and killed. The worst aspect about standing in line at a bank is noticing all of the other employees of the bank standing around, doing nothing. It’s like, “THERE ARE 15 people in line! Quit sitting at your desk alone and manage this crisis!” Just today there were 10 people in line and only one teller. She was an asian woman whose name I thought was Julia Roberts, it was actually Julia Bouchardt. You could see my logic on that one, right? Anyway. Fuck banks.

Kate Hudson works at my grocery store

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