– Trying to figure out something to write when you have no ideas is kind of like trying to sleep when you aren’t tired. Frustrating and cold on your naked body.
– I was thinking last night, as I frequently do, that I wish farts had a color. Each person has their own color and you can witness the vapor leaving the body. If this is how things were, it wouldn’t be taboo to see a fart in public. I like to imagine taking a steamy number 2 and having blue mist just pluming out of the toilet like a volcano.
– I’d much rather lose a leg than an arm. Having one of those bad ass, spring-legs would be pretty cool. In fact, if I had one leg amputated I would ASK them to cut the other one off. This way I will have 2 legs made of super strong, springy titanium. I could run fast, jump high, and cut my showering time in half.
– When I see people in the rain without an umbrella I feel one emotion only: pity.
– Sometimes, and I know this is morbid, but sometimes I feel that I would like to be there the moment a life long smoker receives the news they have lung cancer. Why? Just to see how they handle it. Surely they knew it was coming for them, are they sad or do they say things like, “Welp, it’s about time?” Some smokers must have a sense of humor about it.
– Chevy has an ad now at the movies that says, “Isn’t it nice to know that if you need to outrun a Decepticon, you can do it in a Chevy?” To which I laughed and realized that the Decepticon is a Ford Mustang. Ford should make an ad that says, “Isn’t it nice to know that if you are hunting down bitchass Transformers, you can easily catch up to them in a Ford?”
– This is really bizarre, but the other night I had a dream I was slicing beef with Lenny Kravitz’s, “I Belong to You” playing in the background. I need therapy. Just start this video and imagine how truly odd this dream was…
– Speaking of Lenny Kravitz, when I was in 8th grade I professed to the class that he was the best guitarist to ever live. I apologize to all my classmates of Ms. Schmidts Algebra class. Shout out to Neil Metzgar who knew I was incorrect from the moment my sentence was complete.
– I witnessed a man throw an empty cigarette carton onto the street next to a bunch of trash bags. What a dick! First of all, wait for a trash can, there will undoubtedly be one in about 20 seconds of walking. Second of all, you think the burly trash men are lifting huge bags of trash, sweating in the 100 degree heat, then going back to the curb to pick up a single carton? Fuck no and fuck that guy.
– So Leo DiCaprio is in talks to play the villain in the next Tarantino movie. How sick would that be? Soon, Celine Dion will be asked to write a song for it, and an Italian immigrant will be crushed under a huge steam pipe as it crashes into the frigid Atlantic.
– It took Leonardo Da Vinci about ten years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips. Talk about some D.S…..Love those true dat factttttttts, ya heard me?
– Where is Billy Zane these days? I could use a little of his arrogant swagger about now.