the chase is natural

– Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima must be sad that they can never have any children of their own.

the most famous infertile woman ever

– Also, how has the name, “Uncle Benz”  not been used in rap culture?

– Has anyone seen this??? HHH stars in Chaperone. What has happened in the world where wrestlers now become actors?? It used to be an anomaly but now it has become way too common. John Cena, Stone Cold, Hulk Hogan, The Rock, HHH. What’s next? Figure skaters? Russian gymnasts? Michael Jordan?

HHH, okay, that is one thing. But all the other actors in this movie (including that girl from Modern Family) must realize they have hit the lowest point in their careers.

Is this REAL???

– Cannibals love it when people get sunburned and then begin to peel. It’s like their potato chips or something.

– I just filled up a glass of water and realized all I have to do is turn a knob and clean, fresh, cold water comes out in a seemingly infinite flow. We are the envy of all our ancestors.

– I used to think Medieval was spelled like Mid-evil. But Mid-evil sounds more like an adolescent villain that has done some bad things, but never really crossed the line….yet.

– I thought I heard two people having sex, but then determined that it was an owl hooting. I don’t know what is weirder: thinking an owl sounds like people having sex, or being okay with the illogical notion that there is an owl in New York City.

jesus, can you believe these things exist?

– I like wearing belts, not just to keep my pants up, but because I always have a make shift zip-line handle nearby.

– I passed by a woman that was at a crosswalk on my bike today. I went in her path and heard her say, “asshole.” I’m a motorist lady! Fuck YOU for standing in the street.

– If you think about it, mirrors have quite a monopoly over vanity but photographs are a close second. Followed by a puddle, which is really lagging behind in third place.

GOD I'm hot!

Clever Terrorism: putting shards of broken glass into ice makers. SORRY BOUT IT

– Now that I have a legit beard, I overheard my latino coworkers giving me a new nickname…Che. That is probably the coolest compliment I have ever received.

This Week Mike Is....

– Speaking of beards, a man recently told me that when he was a kid he also wanted to grow a beard. Unfortunately, he couldn’t, so he asked his Dad what to do. His dad told him to rub pork fat ON HIS FACE to stimulate growth. He claimed the fat opened the pores on the skin and let hair come faster. This man tells me he began to rub pork fat on his cheeks each day and guess what?? Hair grew. He did, however, neglect to mention exactly where he got all of his acne scars.

Furthermore, at what point in the day is it convenient to rub pork fat on your face? Before bed? Before you go to work? After a shower or before a shower? When you are watching TV? The guy must have looked like this in his house……

– A woman from Brazil pronounced Amish like A-Mish. Those foolish B-Razilians.

– I waited on Eric Cantor, Majority Leader of the House of Representatives last Saturday night. This man is of extreme national significance, but I can’t mention to anyone, “So, I waited on Eric Cantor last night,” and have them be like, “OH MY GOD NO WAY!”

not as cool as Ryan Gosling

– I watched as an Indian woman rubbed Purell all over her body and in between her wart covered toes. No joke. She had warts on her toes and openly massaged them with Purell. Kind of oxymoronic don’t you think? Like any white American, I stared at her in disgust until she saw me, then looked away.

– Now that gay marriage is legal in NY, it is a big day for many couples. But I am willing to bet that there are gay guys out there like, “….fuck. He’s gonna propose now.”

uggh, white picket fences are so hetero

– Black children are ten times more likely than white children to be born with extra fingers. Golden Glove dat fact son!


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