the hell you doin?

Welcome Back.

– Let’s start today’s post with a new song by 311 called Trouble, are ya with me?!

– In my recent vacation to the Carolinas, my sister honestly asks, “This is the Pacific, right?”

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

– We all know that “planking” has swept across the country like wild fire. Well guess what? I’ve created the newest trend called REVERSE PLANKING. This is when you lay on your back, as rigid as possible, with a massive erection. Ready. Set. Go!

– WAKE BOARDING – Much like planking, this is when you go to funerals and hop on top of the casket as if you are surfing. If we all start it together one day we will wind up on Jimmy Kimmel you guys!

internet sensations begin with the death of a loved one

– Our last night on the beach we were all chilling looking out on the water. Just then, a shirtless man is seen from afar, sprinting directly at us. We are all a little uneasy as he approaches and don’t know what is going on. He comes over and appears to be hammered drunk. His buzzed head and tattoo suggest he is in the US Navy. The man crashes our beach party and begins to rant incoherently about looking for his friends, and that people are looking for him. He said if he was caught he would be kicked out of the Navy. We all thought he killed someone or robbed people. But this guy was hostile, noone liked him and we wanted him to leave. He can be called an “awkward lingerer” because he stayed with us for about 15min after repeated attempts to get him to leave.

ANYWAY, it turns out he was tripping. And his incoherent rambling was because he was trying to explain that he was afraid of police and impending court-martial. Fuck that guy.

He said his name was spelled: Mathieu.

He also said he was from Connecticut. And when he found out we were from Maryland he said, “Oh, were from practically the same place.”

Mathieu's punishment by the Navy during hour 9 of acid trip

– We went to a bar with live music while at the beach. We were sitting at a table when a black man with dread locks asks us to watch his case. He proceeds to go into the bathroom but our curiosity got the better of us and we opened his case. There was a flute inside. He comes back out, opens the case, assembles the flute, and begins to play it. Meanwhile, no one can hear it because of the LIVE BAND playing.

– At the same bar I witnessed a man dance like a woman. We all knew this because he put his hands over his head and then started dancing. He also looked a lot like that guy behind Johnny Depp.

he loves the cover version of "Crosstown Traffic"

– Today I severely miscalculated the power of my spit. I meant to spit into the street but accidentaly spit onto the front bumper of a car. I was waiting for the owner to have seen that and been like, “THE HELL YOU DOIN’??”

– My birthday is in exactly one month. I will be accepting half-assed facebook posts from people I forgot.

– So Japan won the womens World Cup ay? Now everyones sayin, “Ya know, they deserve it the most.” Fuck that. America deserves it. What about BP Oil Spill? What about the tornadoes? We need ours yall!

not all Americans are people ladies, you fucked up

–  One time I was working on the side of the road doing some community service in college. I stumble upon a closed can of Michelob Ultra, completely submerged in the soil. The label was old and faded with years of sun and rain exposure. Being in college and thirsty, I opened it and drank it. Much to my surprise it was DELICIOUS! In fact it was kinda cold and had all its carbonation! I will forever support the Michelob brand now that I know they make beer that can withstand the test of time. Shout out to Bari Levine who also drank some but probably doesn’t read this.

Michelob Ultra: still good after 3 decades

– Ever wonder what it would be like to be a foreign person listening to American music? This is a video made by Italians that simulates what English sounds like to foreign people. They made up this song in completely fake words, you’ll think you know what they’re saying but they are saying nothing. Check it:

– Starbucks was actually named after “Starbuck”, a character in Herman Melville’s novel Moby Dick. This nautical theme extended to the company’s logo as well, which was inspired by a 16th-century Norse print of a “two-tailed mermaid, or siren.” True dat frappucino fact younggggg.

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