the sinister smiles of speakerbox snipers

– Yesterday, I biked in the heat to a local park where I sat on a steaming hot wooden bench and unwrapped a piping hot Chicken Parmesean Sub. It was 97 degrees out and sweat was quite literally flowing off of me. One of the lower points of my month was pretending to enjoy my “lunch in the park.”

what a lovely day! oh my this meal is delicious!

– I was sitting on a bench, reading, and a bird flew under the bench and out through my legs. I was like, “WOAH!” I felt the wings brush as it went cruising by. That bird was one hell of a risk taker.

– It dawned on me that I much prefer riding the subway in the winter time. Standing so close to the huddled sweaty bodies of strangers from different countries is no way to get to your destination. Furthermore, sweaty, greasy palms on the handrails don’t help the situation.

– I live next door to an Irishman named Ed. I greeted him on the roof last night and said, “Top of the evening to ya!” in my Irish accent. He didn’t laugh.

That's Ed.

– I have determined that I cannot go a day in NYC without seeing an amputee.

– My brother told me a story recently about a friend from home that woke up with an itchy ear. He couldnt get the itch out with his nail or a q-tip and began to worry. He finally decided to go to the doctor and have his little problem checked out. The doctor took a look inside his ear canal and found the problem: a spider had crawled into his ear and laid eggs all up in the sleeping mans ear. Shout out to Kyle Foltz who probably didn’t want anyone to know that.

– I’m reminded of a story from Amsterdam. The first “coffeeshop” we go to required us to buy something from the bar if we wanted to smoke on the premises. Being wide-eyed Americans we thought this was a perfectly wonderful stipulation. I go over to the female bartender and ask, “What kind of beer do you have on draft.” Her response, “Heineken.” I then asked, “Okay, what about in bottles?” To which she more curtly replied, “Heineken.” I stood there for about 5 seconds pondering my choices then said, “Ummm….I’ll have a Heineken.” Then we got high…ne…..ken?????

how i saw the world after that trip

– How do Indian people feel about everyone calling Native Americans Indians? Aren’t they like, “That’s our identity!”

– Speaking of Indians, there are two Indian ladies at the Dunkin Donuts up the street from me named Mita and Lita. Sisters?!?! I think so!!!!

– Why hasn’t Dunkin Donuts embraced the meaning of “DD” to its full potential? Think of an ad where a guy and some friends are drunk at a party and they call their DD, and it is an Indian clerk from Dunkin Donuts that drives them home.

Uggghhh drive me home betchhhhhh im drunkkkkk

– Length of beard an average man would grow if he never shaved: 27.5 feet. Ohh facial hair dat fact son.

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