eye contact solution

– Today I bought a helmet for my bike. I decided on it because I was struck by a Mercedes last week and felt I better “protect my melon” as Pauly Shore would say. I purchased a blue and red helmet, the selling point: images of a wolf, a bear, a flock of hawks, an all seeing eye, and a mountain range. Talk about a WILD HELMET! AM I RIGHT?


– I feel bad for any retards named Leo.

Leotard! GET IT?????? HAHA YESSSSS

– Whenever I am carrying my umbrella, I like to use the hook of my handle for things like holding open doors, gain leverage from a seat, shake hands with an amputee, lift up womens skirts, play golf, wrangle a hack comic from the stage. Ya know, the usual.

– I saw a man sitting in a window today that looked very much like Vincent Van Gogh. I wonder what it must be like to be told you look like a painter from the 1800’s and not someone from our modern era.

Imagine this guy eating tacos

– I love using my computer at a crowded Starbucks and getting stares from people who can’t find a seat. Looks like yall gettin it to go fuckas!

GREAT IDEA! – Tombstones should become digital! Like a vertical iPad that constantly plays videos, pictures, etc. That would be awesome, but probably not worth the insane amount of money it would cost to make. Sorry dead guy, you just aint worth it.

– I hate leaving a store and pushing the door to exit but it is locked. I then, embarrassingly must move to the other, open door hoping noone saw me. UNLOCK the door CVS! Jesus! What is the point?

Just go to 1:00 to see my reaction whenever this happens:

– Isn’t it weird that you can move your toes by just thinking about it?

– 160 cars can drive side by side on the Monumental Axis in Brazil, the world’s widest road. HOLY ISH DAT FACT!  

"Shit! I'm 87 lanes from my exit!"

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