how about we stop the train

– And now for a clever rap lyric that should be used by someone: “I rock so hard bitch you know I’m stalac-TIGHT”

"gettin bottles at the club, killin fifths with stalag-MIGHT"

– One thing that sucks about being a man (and there aren’t many) is that we have to wake up in the morning and drag a knife across our faces. Upper lips and under the chin, it just sucks. But, then again, we don’t have to give birth so comparatively it isn’t all that bad.

– Who figured out how to make decaf coffee? Perhaps it was some mad scientist type guy incessantly sipping his “new” coffee beans, measuring his sleepiness on a flow chart, drinking a cup then waiting a few hours to see if anything happens.

Furthermore, why would someone even want to make decaf coffee? That’s the whole allure of it in the first place, right? When he proposed the idea to his scientist friends I’m sure they were like, “Okay Barry, you do that.”

"Good to the last drop he says...well, I'll show him. I'll show them ALL!"

– Whenever I see a girl in loose fitting pants, is it bad that I automatically assume, “Well, she must be on her period.”

– I hate unintentionally rhyming in regular conversation. For example: “Today I’ve made less than 50 bucks, yeah tonight it really sucks.”

Unfortunately this happens more often than I’d like it to. Some of the time I’m near some jackass that says something like, “Okay, Dr. Seuss.” It was an accident yo!!

– Sometimes, when it is really windy outside I like to stand with my arms stretched out and shout, “ATMOOOOOSPHEEEERE!!” as loud as I can, directly towards the afternoon sky.


– I’ve found that “Titty Twisters” are very gender specific.

– What Canadian genius thought to make their pennies the exact same size and color as ours? It is like they planned some joke on Americans, mass producing worthless replicas of our money and sending it across the border.

– On Halloween, if regular girls typically dress as sluts then do real prostitutes dress up in conservative outfits? Most likely they are too busy giving a guy dressed as Scarface a handjob to even care.

"Keep stroking, but I've got to say, your Mother Teresa costume is spot on."

– I realized that I am a white talker, but a black texter.

“I’m in your hood, where u at?”  or  “I’m chillin gettin crunk”  or  “Shit son, weak”

"Shark Week is ill yo"

– Before the French Revolution the “Ace” card was usually a low card, it became a high card to symbolize the common man’s power over the nobility. KING OF HEARTS AINT JACK DAT FACT!


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