papa don’t take no mess

– I hate it when people say, “Well, another reason I like my Kindle is because it saves paper.” Uhh, I think one thing we should use paper on is books. We shouldn’t use paper on stupid things like Starbucks cups and cardboard tampons (which sound disgusting). Wait for some sort of tablet that we can all shit into and sure enough someone will say, “Ya know, I prefer this to my toilet because it really saves water and converts my waste into energy for a tribe in Indonesia sent through 4G.”

"I'm actually growing a tree with my own shit right now!"

– Ya don’t hear much from Omarion these days?

– So, the Lindsay Lohan Playboy pics have leaked. It is pretty much like seeing a girl you’ve known all your life naked for the first time. More specifically, a girl that transferred to your high school but joined a sorority in college that introduced her to a lot of drugs and clubs in, “the city.”

Regardless of her current reputation, go to 2:39 to find out  how I felt when I saw the pics for the first time:

– Next time you do a cheers with someone, just rub your glass on theirs like a cat rubbing against your leg and say, “mmm”. That is what I like to call, Creepy Cheers.

– I like to envision the roll call on the first day of a high school class where a teacher says, “Jane……Mary?”  The girl, a living hemp plant, responds in a deep voice, “Sup.”

"Is there a final on April 20th? Cause I got a thing."

– I was recently reading Hemingway’s, A Farewell to Arms at work one day. My coworker Antoinette, a very large, Italian woman with a blunt New York attitude asks me:

Antoinette: “What choo readin?”

Me: “Oh, A Farewell to Arms.”

Antoinette: “What?!? You readin love stories now? Like a queer?”

To which I confusedly responded:  “…….it’s Ernest Hemingway.”

– I depressingly stated to my roommate that at this point next year we will be one week away from the supposed end of the world. Dec 21, 2012. Dear god. Enjoy 2011 as long as you can. Just pretend like the kid in the below video says, “Gee, I can’t wait till I’ll be in 2012.”

– When ordering Mexican food I account for pick-up  time, eat time, digestion time and potential time it would take me to have a violent shit. And ya know, I’m not too sure that 4 hours is enough time.

The Van Gogh-Go’s would make a great name for a all female, go-go band.

"We're here to PARTY and remind you of his introduction to bright colors when he settled in Paris."

New Orleans History Time: So get this shit. A Spanish explorer named Pineda was among the first Spainiards to map the Gulf Coast. So he’s riding around in his boat and sees the Mississippi River.

He was like, “Get the fuck out of here! The Mississippi lets out right here? Damn. Shit. I gotta tell my boss back home.”

"We could use this."

So Pineda writes his homies back in Spain like, “Look, we gotta settle here, perfect spot, right on the water.” His Spanish, idiot bosses were like, “Ya know what? Nahh. We’re good. Good eye, but I think we’re good.” Pineda moved out but soon those weird French rolled down from Canada and were like, “We just love it here! It’s just so quaint, we love it.”

And thats how the French originally got into what is now New Orleans/Louisiana. I find that so funny! How the history of the world is now so different because one guy was like, “Ya know what, I’ll pass.”

"Ummmm, I'm actually not interested but thank you so much. Thanks though."

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