a weekend boondock saint

– So, I’m going to Boston for Saint Patricks Day. I hope it’s at least something like this:

– I recently witnessed a short, red headed, twenty something guy walking down the street chanting, “Kill the Jews, Save Palestine! Kill the Jews, Save Palestine!” Over, and over and over and over. He had no fear or embarassment, he just chanted. I feel I would have said something had he not immediately gone to a trash can to search for food.

This guy hates Israel

– Today, I got into a train car that smelled like vomit. It had the strong smell but I couldnt seem to find the source. I began to get increasingly uncomfortable and looked in the seat where I was sitting only to find that it was wet. Fear turned to panic. Had this been the vomit? Did I sit into it? And, more importantly, is it now soaked into my “going out” jeans? I needed to leave the train to get away from the smell and the shame. I quickly move into another car only to find that it smells of baby shit. Whether I sat in vomit is still up for debate, but shit and vomit are two wonderful ways to start your day.

– Do you think sex position during conception has anything to do with a child’s personality? Someone should do a study on that.

– The number of homeless people I have hugged in New York has recently increased to 2. She was a nice, older, british, black lady that needed me to carry her stuff to Staples. As we hugged moments before I left her by the copier she earnestly said, “Look for me on Law and Order.” To which I asked, “Oh? Which one?” And she said, “I don’t know. Just look for me.” A seemingly impossible task when you think about it.

"I was juror number 9. That should narrow it down. Now go."

– I miss December 31st. That is the day you can make corny jokes like, “Don’t worry I’ll get to the dishes sometime NEXT YEAR!” We need more of this.

– Luckily, Chris Brown wasn’t the one marketing Beats headphones. Beats by Chris Brown is a little too touchy.

– I’m still not over Michael Jackson’s death.

– I passed by a man unicycling over the Queensboro Bridge into Manhattan. That’s all.

Talk about some virgin cardio.

– I wish America did cool things. Cool things like a HUGE jet/helicopter fly over once every year. Imagine a day like Memorial or Veteran’s day where there are like 20 jets and 15 Apache helicopters flying over NYC. That would be so fucking awesome. Why doesn’t shit like that happen?

– How do gnats breathe? I’m assuming they have a very tiny respiratory system.

– Recently my friend and I were standing on a street corner discussing how stupid it is that taxi drivers won’t take passengers from Queens to Brooklyn. As we said this, a black dude gets out of a parked car and approaches us. He says, “Excuse me, but did I just hear you call my girlfriend stupid?” My friend and I looked at each other, looked at him and were like, “Uh, no. Not…not at all.” The guy backed away and got back into his Toyota.

– I was riding my bike and rode past a man straight up pissing on the street. The seemingly regular guy was standing in the open, under a street light in fact, pissing. Full on penis and everything. Have the decency to at least go near a corner or a trash can or something.

C'mon bro.

– Farting in the shower is one of those unexpected elements of human life that make you think, “Damn, we suck.”

– I recently got a full Swedish Massage. My masseuse, a lovely woman from Poland, had the weakest, dead-fish of a handshake ever. You would think that someone that works with their hands all day would have a more prominent handshake. I guess she has to protect her money makers. That’s like a stripper wearing a shirt when she has sex.

– If you give One-A-Day multivitamins to people on a hunger strike, would they live just a little bitlonger?

"I'm hungry, but damn. This Riboflavin is keepin me goin."




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