i got nowhere to hide

– How is it that Odysseus is a married man, in love with his wife, but has no moral problem banging the shit out of like 3 different goddesses? I’m willing to bet Odysseus would be pretty upset if he came home and Penelope was like, “Oh, Odysseus, this is a small thing but um, about 4 years ago I had too much wine and got nailed by Apollo. It only happened once, okay? It was stupid, I know. But I still love you.”

“You did what, bitch?

– Cocktail: when you shave all pubic hair and leave only your scrotum hair tied into a braid.

– I bet the Egyptian citizens weren’t too happy about the pyramids being built. Talk about a distraction from the “real” issues. Money, manpower, time, resources, etc. In todays money, a pyramid would cost 4 BILLION dollars! The Egyptian citizens were probably like, “Okay Rameses, this pyramid has taken us 20 years yet we still don’t have any clean water…where are we with that?”

“Can we get some fucking health care PLEASE??”

– I wish there was some more diversity in the Amish community. I think a Mexican Amish society would be refreshing.

– I am SICK of seeing these, “25 Things I Learned in my Twenties” bullshit lists and articles. First of all, to all you writers of said posts, you cannot look back on your twenties while you are still IN your twenties. Furthermore, how is something like, “Laugh as often as you can” and “Don’t sweat the small stuff” applicable advice for a 25 year old? I would rather hear something like, “Your existential crisis will get better with time but will never truly leave you.”  or “Your career choice is the wrong one.”

– I discovered a previously overlooked element about rainy days that make them suck even more when you think about it. Have you ever noticed that all anyone can seem to talk about ON a rainy day IS the rainy day? “Sorry, I’m late it’s just…this rain. Ya know?” or “God, how long is it gonna rain this week? Is tomorrow gonna be PM showers?” or “My hair is so frizzy, thanks a lot rain!” A rainy day seems to keep everyone it falls on in some sort of perpetual spiral of small talk and banal conversation. Well played rain, well played.

– What liar made up the Boston Tea Party? Rather, what liar made up the fact that they all dressed like Indians? I’m sure it happened but some dude back in Boston probably got his facts mixed up and ended up spreading a flagrantly embellished form of the real story.

“They were like…um…dressed up and shit too man.”

– Today marks the first time I listened to “Afroman” in about 6 years. Sadly, he only lasted about 34 seconds before I moved onto the Bee Gee’s…which lasted a shit ton longer.

– Is it a coincidence that “Bitch” and “Butch” are only one letter apart?

– If you go to the real “Cheers” bar, wear a name tag to make the experience that much better.

– Is anyone else like me and really looking forward to the day where you see: Eminem feat. Chingy

does anyone know if he is alive or dead?



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