nickel plated nine triggas

– It’s a sad fact that if someone farted inside your mouth it would be better for you than secondhand smoke.

“That’s okay bitch, I’ve got a philly cheesesteak later with your name in it.”

– I hate when I order iced coffee and watch as they only fill the cup up halfway with coffee. I know why they do it, but it hurts every time.

–  One, Two, Tree would make a great name for a landscaping company.

it seems to be an easier concept to grasp than I once thought.

– You know that CapitalOne commercial where Jimmy Fallon is speaking to a baby that apparently is the one person that doesn’t like cash back? The commercial continues to show the baby throwing a pile of money at Jimmy Fallon who ducks to avoid the raining dollars. Now, imagine a man that lived through the Great Depression standing in his living room, watching it, simply shaking his head at what this nation has become.

“God dammed kids and your god dammed dubstep.”

– D0es anyone else think the part of the song “Somebody That I Used to Know” a.k.a. “Somebody That I Used to Blow” where he says, “You didn’t have to cuuut me off” sounds a lot like, “You didn’t have to suuuuuck me off”

– If you got to see Men in Black 3 you know it should have been called “1960’s Race Relations”

– Someone recently told me about a contest that, if you win, earns you a spot at the dinner table with the Obama family AND George Clooney. Wouldn’t it be great if, just for the hell of it, Sean Connery showed up late for dessert.

“Sorry, I’m late everybody. I was having sex with Blake Lively.”

– I punctured my hand last week pretty badly. When people see it for the first time they almost always say something like, “Oh my god, you have to keep that clean or else it will get infected.” Thanks. That hadn’t occurred to me.

– Whenever you fly anywhere, the flight attendants give you the speech that, “…tampering with a lavatory smoke detector is a federal offense.” Why would anyone find it enjoyable to smoke in an airplane bathroom? I bet secondhand would fill that coffin-like chamber within seconds, and an ominous fog would bellow out of the cracks and under the door frame. That would be a funny sight. Furthermore, how would one go about dismantling a smoke detector without any tools?

– I judge people based on which wrist they choose to wear their watch on.

– At the airport now, kids below 12 years of age no longer have to take off their shoes to go through security. This seems like a would-be-shoe-bomber’s dream scenario. Now, all of these creepy terrorist types will target these little kids and implant a shit ton of bombs into their shoes. Why should they get in trouble when all they have to do is abduct and brainwash a 9-year old? Thanks TSA for not only making terrorism a little easier, but for also influencing  bad guys into paying more attention to young boys.

Oh, I got my eye on you Mr. Jenkins.

AND NOW – For a FAKE Story of a REAL Person! This weeks edition will be in regards to the bleach blonde creature on the bottom left of the below picture. Here we go…

“Hi, I’m Emmanuel and this is my first Gay Pride Parade in New York City. I’m adjusting to it rather well, I should think. My friend, Jacob, he’s at the top of the float with his “lone ranger” bandana on, turned me onto this parade this year. All morning he was like, “Should I wear the bandana? No bandana? Yes?” Finally, I told him to, “just bring it and use it if you feel like it.” Good thing I said that to him cause Jake hasn’t taken it off since 9am.

Anyway, my job at the District Attorney’s office is going well so far. That’s where I met my current boyfriend, Charley. Charley is standing next to Jacob now (he’s the nerd with all his clothes on). I told him to take off his pants at LEAST! But that’s Charley for you, so conservative. That’s what I like about him I think. I mean, me? I for one tore off my suit and tie first thing on Friday afternoon and haven’t had more than 3 ounces of clothing on for the last 3 days!

Ugh, work is gonna be a bitch tomorrow. But for now, just time to enjoy being Gay in New York City.”


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