you know what they do to guys like us in prison?

27 06 2012

– In the Blade movies the title character almost always finds himself searching for an especially evil vampire in some underground nightclub full of vampires. Now, most vampires, presumably have heard of this daywalking-vampire killer YET they all stay and keep dancing as he is strolling by the bar with his sword drawn.  GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! IT’S BLADE! Honestly, would you rather evaporate into an ash cloud or enjoy the rest of this Rihanna song?

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“(to bartender) Can I have a new cran-vodka? And she’ll have a…oh, wait…did Blade just walk in? Actually… I’ll close out my tab. (to vampire girlfriend) Why don’t you go grab our coats.”

– Does anyone know how thick a lighting bolt is? If I had to guess, it’s about the thickness of a tree. But its probably the thickness of a car or maybe even a house. Ruminate on that one guys.

–  I’m boycotting the new Spiderman movie for the following reasons:

A) It looks shitty/awful.

B) It is way too soon to remake Spiderman. You can’t trash Sam Raimi like that.

C) Emma Stone needs to feel the sharp sting of defeat sooner or later. I think the time is upon us.

– Okay, back to Blade. Why wasn’t he a member of The Avengers? He is a Marvel hero, has saved the world from countless villains yet got the shaft when auditions came for the Avengers? Some fucking MORTAL archer that nobody knows made the list and Blade, who got three movies mind you, wasn’t even mentioned?? C’mon Samuel L. Jackson’s character, you know you need a half vampire-brother up in dat.

Hawkeye, unlike the other superheroes, has to pay car insurance every month just like the rest of us.

– I hate saying, “hey” nonchalantly, almost under my breath, and having the person walk past without acknowledging me. It’s like, “OKAY DICK!?”

– If there is a heaven, when you get there do you think God is going to read off a list like, “Okay, sooooo let’s see here. So you said: ‘God Dammit’ about 114,983 times, ‘Jesus Christ’ a whopping 1,452,012 times, ‘Mary Mother and Joseph’ surprisingly only 87 times…”

– Speaking of Blade, who cuts his hair? Are we supposed to believe that his old intern, Whistler, is also a master of cutting black hair? The viewer finds this hard to believe considering his hair looks like it did back in Vietnam.

“I fucking hate LBJ and bloodsuckers.”

– My girlfriend has finally, after about 3 years of begging, convinced me to read the first Harry Potter book. Welp, see you all on the other side.

– In my neighborhood there is a Mexican restaurant ran by Chinese people, an Italian restaurant ran by latino guys, and a pizza parlor owned by Bangladeshi men. Yes, all of these places suck.

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