“the entire empire will start to strike back”

– Just once in my life I would like to fire a gun into the air and empty the magazine as I scream at the top of my lungs.


– Right off the bat, check this song. Sound familiar. No doubt.

(Does anyone ever listen to these songs I put on here?)

– On the topic of marriage, the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer once said, “Marrying means, to grasp blindfolded into a sack hoping to find an eel out of an assembly of snakes.” Good GOD Schopenhauer! What a terrifying image. If someone ever asked me to do that my voice would crack as I screeched, “You want me to do what??” That does, however, sound like an excellent second challenge for Fear Factor.

He’s much better at riding a bicycle across a metal beam connecting two high rise buildings.

– I bet a freestyle in the 1950’s would have had a doo-wop beatbox and a “Jersey Boys” sounding singer making observational similes and insults.

“Youre girl needs my money, like i give it by the hour – she gives me some lovin on the highway by Eisenhower. ooooOOOOOOOOoooweeeeee”

– Want to know a reason to move to NYC? I was riding my bike in Central Park and saw an insanely hot woman just standing by the bike path, topless. Like, aiiiiiiight.

– Most watches are water resistant to about 166 feet just in case the average citizen decides to go deep sea diving on a whim. There is, however, nothing worse than having condensation build up on the inside of a watch. That’s the definition of helpless.


– Another great reason to ride a bike in NYC occurred to me the other night. It was about 1am and I was approaching a red light by the UN Building on 42nd Street. As I ride up to the light, a car is sitting there blasting some hip hop with all the windows down. I slow down as I get beside the passenger side and gaze in out of random curiosity. Inside, I see a man SUCKING the titties of the woman in the passenger seat!!! My face must have been a mix of complete shock and voyeuristic astonishment. The light turned green, and they drove off into the night.

– I just saw a guy in line at Starbucks with a tattoo on his back that simply said, “Fuck.”

– There is nothing worse than riding a bike, gasping for breath on a hot August afternoon, and a garbage truck begins driving in front of you. You can taste it in your soul.

– I often wear bandanas while riding my bike to keep the sweat out of my face, naturally. Anyway, I was wearing a blue one the other day and as I got onto a street in SoHo I hear someone seriously yell, “TAKE OFF THAT BANDANA YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!” I turn around to see a clearly disturbed stout, jewish man wearing a hat that says, “Yale”. I look at surrounding passersby and we both share a look like, “this guy is a fucking idiot.”

Clearly me.

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