– I wish the name Leviticus was still popular.
– I would like to see a Smirnoff ad with a tagline like, “Smirnoff: ‘Noff Said” (copyright 2012 Mikey Jefferson Inc.)
– Taking a bus from DC to NY, I was fortunate enough to have a row of seats to myself. In Baltimore a loud group of Russians hop on board and sit in front of me. A few hours go by, I fall in and out of sleep and realize that I have to pee. It’s about 2:30 am and I go to the lower level of the bus, when I come back up one of the Russians had gotten up and settled into my seat.
Really, dude? I’ve been sitting there for 3.5 hours you’re just gonna play me like that? Logically, did you think I exited a moving bus and wasn’t coming back? This Russian wasn’t too bright. He immediately retreated, as Russians historically do, once he saw me standing over him.
– While speaking with an acquaintance from Maine, the topic of conversation inevitably led to the most famous resident of his state, Stephen King. It turns out that every Halloween Stephen King turns his mansion into an enormous haunted house. Supposedly anyone that can make it through the entire house without screaming wins a new car. The best part is, nobody has ever won.
– I want to be so rich that my fireplace is only filled with logs of mahogany. Shout out to Justin Blank who can only afford Eucalyptus.
– I need to stop referring to myself as, “daddy” all the time.
Here are a few thoughts from my recent trip to the mattress store:
– Going mattress shopping is an intrinsically weird experience. One must lay down on a mattress under halogen lightbulbs, fully clothed and shoed in front of a salesman that, as he stands over you, urges you to get into a position that you like to sleep in. No sheets or pillows, just a salesman and a sneaking suspicion of vulnerability.
– In the sales pitch of the mattress salesman, he began comparing a bed with 12 gauge steel springs with another bed that had 15 gauge steel springs. First of all, as if I would even remotely understand the characteristics and attributes of the metal temperament process and how said process is correlated to comfort. Secondly, a difference of only 3 gauge increments seems hardly worth mentioning.
– I’d imagine that a mattress salesman could get creative when urging his customers to get comfortable. Shouting out directions at them as if he is some Broadway director. “Okay, NOW envision yourself having a nightmare! You’re tossing, you’re turning, you’re sweating! Okay, now WAKE UP! Look at the clock, look at me, look at the clock, wipe the sweat from your brow. NOW! Fluff the pillow and hesitantly lay back down, visibly shaken from the dream. AND SCENE. So, how did that feel?”
– While testing out a mattress, the urge to hump it crossed my mind more than once. While my mind quickly brushed it aside as inappropriate, another part of my mind deemed that this was, in fact, the exact time and place to do that. Would I rather buy the bed, get into a game time situation and regrettably say to myself, “man, i really wish I had given this the hump test before I bought it.”
– Normally when you are being sold something, you like to ask the salesman what they personally use. For example, when buying a new phone you’d be happiest to know that the salesman also owns the same one, considering his plethora of options and lucrative employee discount. The urge to ask the mattress salesman what type of mattress he had crossed my mind, but didn’t seem relevant in this case considering our bodies are completely different and his employee discount probably isn’t used that often.
– Box springs need some pimping. How cool would it be to have a box spring that is also an aquarium? Complete with sub-woofers, perhaps? A unique bookshelf or maybe even a plexiglass snake terrarium? All it takes is one company to walk down this path and boom, an MTV show won’t be too far away.