i forgot to remember to forget

19 09 2012

– Dropping wet laundry on the floor of a laundromat is, to me,  as bad as dropping a popsicle on the floor of a barbershop.

– While watching a commercial for Australian tourism,  a little girl is seen standing on a beautiful beach as a kangaroo comes out of nowhere and beelines it in her direction. I imagine her parents, sitting on beach chairs while reading Kindle’s and listening to iPods, seeing this kangaroo in the distance and saying something like, “I didn’t expect it but I’m really into 50 Shades of…Oh my god is that?….is that kangaroo??… Becky! BECKY NOOOOO!”

Moments before Becky’s left eye was gouged out on the beautiful Australian coastline.

– One of my neighbors was telling me about a trip he is planning from New York to Montana. Not by car or plane, but by a 50-hour train ride. I thought, for a second, that this wasn’t so bad – at least he gets to sleep in one of those cool cabins that James Bond would have slept in on his way to Moscow or something. He continues to tell me that  cabins are too expensive and that his only option is to sit in a seat, much like in an airplane, for 50 hours straight. Good GOD MAN! My ass hurts just thinking about it.

“Ya know, for the first 35 hours of this trip I thought you were kind of hot but now I simply can’t stand looking at you.”

– Bald men look funny in turtlenecks.

– Whenever I fill an empty ice cube tray from the sink,  and I watch as the water cascades from one cell into the next, I’m reminded of the faulty engineering of the Titanic’s “watertight” compartments. Think about it.

Ice: a refreshing reminder of historical blunders in maritime architectural layout and design.

– Sadly, the selling point of Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 is, “George Lopez is BACK!”

–  Here’s yet another example of how advertising has completely lost all control:

Old woman wearing a cardigan: “I love spending time with my niece, but the moment she pointed out my moderate-to-severe plaque psoriasis, I knew I’d better do something.”

What old lady?!?!? No one says that. If you feel compelled to say something just say psoriasis at most. You can’t say that in any other situation but a commercial.

“Aunt Sue, I love you, but sometimes you’re a little too longwinded for my tastes.”

For example: “Yay, Helen we’re finally taking that roadtrip to Hartford, Connectic…OUCH – jeeze-o-pete! Ya know, I knew my moderate-to-severe plaque psoriasis was bad but I never had any idea that my moderate-to-severe plaque psoriasis would start getting in the way of things like this.” Her similarly aged friend would say, “Guess it’s time you went to the doctor.

– I’ve just learned that Tic Tac’s make a flavor called “Strawberry Fields” and are developing a new flavor called “Ruining Things They Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With”.

Coming SOON! The brand new I Have a Dream Tempurpedic!

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