what can ya do?

– It is unfortunate that women will never know the satisfaction a man gets while he stands over a toilet and uses his pee-pee stream to rid the bowl of poop stains. It’s a feeling of accomplishment that is difficult to put into words. (Author’s note: that is not my toilet bowl.)

We can take care of that, right fellas?

– Generic q-tips are absolutely abysmal. I wouldn’t doubt it if they break off in peoples ears and cause irreversible damage to the priceless human body.

– A few thoughts on the picture below: This is a wedding photograph being taken for this woman’s big day. They chose this rather picturesque location in Brooklyn overlooking Manhattan between the Brooklyn and Manhattan bridges. Not a bad spot for pics. This photo shows the bride, presumably, with her family members.

1) First and foremost, the guy standing above her (top left) decided not to dress up for the occasion. He also decided not to take of his headphones for the photograph (can’t really see it in the pic, but trust me, he left at least one earphone in.

2) The guy on the bottom left also did not dress for the occasion. He woke up, put on a graphic T-Shirt that clearly says HOLLISTER, and went to his sisters wedding photo shoot.

3) The only guy the chose to dress up has purple hair.

4) The groom, pictured in a rather dashing white tux, has red glitter in his hair.

5) The photographer chose to neglect the boy on the bottom right. He is shrouded in shadow and will undoubtedly not be visible in the final photograph.

Point being: This is this woman’s WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHS! Fucking dress up! Comb your hair, wash out the shitty color, take off your headphones. She is supposed to cherish these photos forever not look at them and say, “Oh Ricky, he was always so rebellious and really was obsessed with that Gotye song at the time.”

– Lil’ Wayne once said, “I wish I could fuck every girl in the world.” Ew, Lil’ Wayne, there’s some disgusting women in the world. I just imagine Lil’ Wayne having sex with an obese Native American woman with a skin condition that smells terrible.

– Are the front lawns of haunted houses also haunted? Or is that out of bounds for ghosts? They can lurk around the basement and hide inside mirrors, but the porch swing is off limits.

– What happens if a Jewish person or a Buddhist move into a haunted house? Do they still call a Catholic priest?

– Hurricane Sandy, just the tip of the 2012 iceberg.

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