– Q: What do you call a sex crime committed by a window curtain? A: Drape
– TV’s must get paranoid often because no matter what room they find themselves in, they’re always being watched.
– Cigarette Smokers a.k.a Neighborhood Watch
– If we could say that Hurricane Sandy had some shred of silver lining, it would be that it has given me a newfound appreciation for candles.
– Ya know what sucks? That period of about 5 minutes when your hot coffee goes from hot to warm to disgustingly cold. It’s an excellent example of immediate nostalgia. Nostalgia for the way things used to be.
– Oftentimes when drinking cold coffee that used to be hot, I attempt to trick myself into thinking that I’m drinking iced coffee. It never works.
– If only it wasn’t already copyrighted, The X-Files would be a great name for episodic porn.
– I saw a very tall woman in the stairwell the other day and I got the strong urge to say, “That’s a HUGE bitch!” …but I suppressed it.
– Overheard in New York (large black woman on the phone): “…this dude is a pedophile AND he’s the CFO…”
– Quote of the week: “It’s an amazing task to battle with success – I never gave a fuck before, now I give a fuck less.” – Eminem –Open Mic
– Has anyone ever noticed that the Walgreens “W” and the Washington Nationals “W” look oddly alike?