– A tight fitting bowling ball is an excellent way to have three fingers ripped off your body.
– As I was ordering my Cafe Au Lait today the barista asked me out of the blue, “Have you seen The Hobbit yet?”
To which I replied, “….no. Honestly, I haven’t even seen the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy.”
She then looked mildly offended and said, “I can’t believe you are so comfortable admitting that out loud.”
Trying to change the subject and make a clever connection I said, “Well, I haven’t seen the Lord of the Rings but I LOVE King Kong.”
There was a long silence and she seemed confused at my connection. After a few seconds I added, “…same director…Peter Jacks…”
She quickly interjected, “I know, well…I guess they are both adventures and involve long journeys.”
– Whenever I pass a sign that says, “Auto Body” I secretly wish it was an underground strip club speakeasy.
– Don’t you hate it when you go to italicize a word but accidentally leave either the first or last letter unitalicized? I hate that. Talk about an inconvenience.
– It is always comforting for me to see a chef, in his uniform, outside of his restaurant, smoking a cigarette. What manager in their right mind would let that happen?
– I saw a thugged out black man with a cocaine pinky nail on the train today blasting Sarah McLaughlin’s “Arms of the Angel” on his phone. I regrettably did not have the opportunity to take a video of this befuddling example of contradictions.
– I want to start a business where burgers are shaped like hot dogs, and hot dogs….are shaped like burgers. That’s the kind of innovation that will get my face onto one of Guy Fieri’s hit shows.
– Check out the train advertisement for Bud Light I saw this morning. You know why ordering one Bud Light is a rookie mistake? Because you could have gotten a soda water for free.
– I lost my Macbook charger today and initially was afraid that my computer would die. Then, I realized everyone on Earth has a compatible charger and the panic subsided.
– President Teddy Roosevelt, an environmentalist, banned Christmas trees from the White House in 1912. True Dat Green Fact yo.