baby, i told you once before…it’s not what you think

– Ever want a free glass of milk? Go into any Starbucks and help yourself.

– Here is a photo I took on the train that sums up the sad reality that is antisocial human life.

“What’s wrong with you people!! Don’t you have lives? Professions? Interests? Hobbies? Is there someone – anyone out there?? Please! Talk to me!! Me! A real person of flesh and bone! I’m here! Right, here! Someone…just, just look at me!” – Twilight Zone-esque rant running through my head

–  I wish that a seafood company would dub over Brad Pitt’s famous line from Inglorious Basterds to say, “And I WANT my Scallops!”

“One Hundred Nazi Scallops!”

– I was doing my laundry the other day and dropped a sock on the floor by accident. I noticed that a large black woman behind me went to pick it up. As I turned around to thank her and make the hand off, she put it in her own hamper and didn’t even look in my direction.

"you damn right it's mine now"
“you damn right it’s mine now”

– When watching TV I like to mute the sound when advertisements come on. That way, they can only bombard me with their bullshit visually, but at least I wont have to hear some insipid sales pitch while watered down dubstep plays in the background of a Nissan commercial. Has anyone else noticed that recent trend? Dubstep music in commercials for cars, computers, soda? HOW HIP! Man, those ad executives really know how to stay in the thick of things.

– How many, if any, Koreans are named Kimberly “Kim” Kim?

– Websites that automatically play music when you open them should die and go straight to hell. A.) You’re tacky. B.) I don’t have headphones in and wasn’t prepared for the sneak attack of ringback quality Beethoven C.) I can never locate the little speaker symbol that you, for some reason, made the same shade of purple as your bullshit homepage.

– Whoever Kanye wrote 808’s and Heartbreaks about must be pretty pissed off about the recent fetus developing inside Kim Kardashian.

"uh-uh bitch that fetus was SUPPOSED to be MINE"
“uh-uh bitch that fetus was SUPPOSED to be MINE”

– If Ebenezer Scrooge lived in our modern times, he would definitely take scissors to Christmas lights all over town.

– I always hate it when customers at restaurants ask the hostess or waiter if they can plug in their phone for them. It’s like, if you carry your charger around with you all the time…how did you let it die?? I feel, in that instance, those people should be punished and forced to eat their dinner without the use of their cell phone. God forbid, I know.

“Can we get a table for two? Oh, and is it okay if one of your staff members keeps an eye on this for me? And, by the way, this is a really nice TGI Fridays.”

– The first variations of Russian vodka were meant for medicinal purposes. It is also reported that Polish vodka was scented and used as aftershave. True Dat Polish Hygiene Fact B.

"uh-uh bitch that fetus was SUPPOSED to be MINE"
“MY man ain’t Polish but he BETTER use Pinnacle Whipped when he wake up tomorrow.” 

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