“who’s the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?”

9 01 2013

– How does one know if they have ADHD or just genuinely don’t give a shit about whatever they are doing everyday?

– In reading the signals of adult ADD I lost interest and wrote this instead.

– My office supplies bagels and cream cheese every Friday for breakfast, which is great. This Friday they also supplied us with some pizzas for lunch. Equally great! However, I realized at the end of the day that all I had eaten was different forms of bread covered in cheese.

you wouldn’t believe what my office supplied us for dinner

– When the “Xlerator” bathroom hand dryer came out it blew peoples minds (and wet hands). I remember thinking that this put all other hand dryers to shame and if your restaurant or business used anything but an Xlerator, you clearly didn’t give a shit about modernity. My question is, what is the next step in hand dryer technology? Will you be able to watch the water evaporate perhaps? Supersonic, 2 second drying time? Whatever the next innovation is it will make the Xlerator seem like it is merely yawning lukewarm air on you. Damn, I’m looking forward to it.

enjoy your 15 minutes of fame…the clock is ticking.

– I was walking down the street the other night and a man walking his dog was approaching me. The man gets close to me and spits, rather violently I might add, in the street. As I look in his direction I come to find he is staring at me. Paranoia sets in and I begin to think the man spat at me in disgust. What did I do??? I was just walking. Needless to say he probably wasn’t spitting at me but the series of events was disconcerting to say the least.

– This first few weeks after Christmas means that the streets of New York are absolutely filled with unwanted and used up Christmas trees. I can’t help but think that now would be a great time for a serial arsonist to strike Manhattan. Especially considering the enormous amounts of dried up wood everywhere.

“And in other news today, the Christmas Tree Arsonist has struck again, this time in Manhattan’s Nolita district. Here is an account from an eye witness….” Then, a fat bald man would say, “I sawr him walk right up to it, I says to myself, somethings a little off about this guy but, ya know, I didn’t think much of it. Then he proceeded to pour copious amounts of gasoline onto the tree and set it aflame. I was shocked. I’m still shocked.”

“And the sumbitch just threw his cigarette into the tree! Right on the street. He faded into the shadows almost immediately and god knows when he is going to strike again.”

– The firefighter in the above picture must be thinking, “YOU SEE KIDS??? IT’S NOT FUNNY. THIS IS SERIOUS! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T PAY ATTENTION!”

– Yeah, I’m the kind of guy that puts emoticons into business emails. Pictures are worth a thousand words, right? Well a winking smiley face within my message says, “I’m being cute and kind of coy (plus about 993 more words).”

– Why is it that Christmas trees get more flack for starting fires than menorahs? It seems like every year there is a nightly news story about some jackass that didn’t water his tree and it spontaneously burst into flames from the Christmas lights.  What about menorahs?? Those dangerous things have eight tiny fires on them! You rarely hear stories of Jewish families neglecting their menorahs and facing the tragic consequences.

“No! Not near the drapes!!! You fool!!! Our holiday!”

-When you think about it, scattered Christmas trees strewn about city streets really represents the American way: I want you, you’re pretty, here’s a lot of money because I want you,  actually – I need you, oh – look at the time, I guess I don’t need you anymore, you serve no purpose to me, fuck off, die in the streets alone.

Cue Sarah McLaughlin.

– Garbage men must really hate this time of year. Not only is it frigid but now they have to pick up enormous, spiky trees every day. I suppose a tree smells a hell of a lot better than a garbage bag that is filled with shit and puke and food and old dairy products. Still, it’s strenuous.

– I had a dream that Roy Orbison had a neck tat. He didn’t but man, if he did..

 

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2 responses

9 01 2013
Lauren Scone

Have you been introduced to the Airblade? It’s a real treat.
http://www.dysonairblade.co.uk/

9 01 2013
Mike G.

The airblade is cool for sure. Still roughly on the same level as the Xlerator but it is an advancement nonetheless. Haha thanks for the shout out.

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