“part clock and part man”

25 01 2013

– Whenever I hear, “…in the meantime…” I can’t help but think that meantime sounds like a very angry and resentful few minutes.

“Ohhhhhhhhhh, your goose is COOKED motherfucker”

– Much like when someone slips and falls, the sound a phone makes when it’s dropped on the floor is unmistakable. There is never a moment where you think to yourself, “Maybe they dropped their umbrella” or, “Man, it sucks dropping a DVD case.” You know damn well what just happened. It’s always fun waiting for the person’s reaction when they pick it up. It’s sick, but I often wait to see if their face is contorted with panic that their phone is straight up f’d.

“Mr. President NOOOOO! There is no Verizon store in this hemisphere!”

– When is the “Cotton Eye Joe” dubstep remix gonna come out? “If it hadn’t been for Cotton Eye Jooowwwwwwwwww wowwwwwww wow wowow chickachicka chowww cha choowww”

– Soon, kids will forget that # used to mean “number” or “pound sign”.

“Yes! Go Team! We’re hashtag one!!”

– I wanna host a house/electro party in Romania and call it “Trance-ylvania” – everyone would be on E and dressed like vampires (or a ghoul of their choosing).

– When snake charmers want to move on and get a new job, what does their resume look like? “Well, I charmed snakes for about…well, as long as I can remember. But I really think being a bank teller is the right fit for me at this point in my life.”

“Sir, you can’t put Kevin the King Cobra as a reference.”

– Furthermore, everyone says NYC has everything and is so damn cool yet I’ve never seen a single snake charmer. Not even one. Step up your game Manhattan.

– There are few things I hate more than a completely silent public bathroom when trying to go #2. All bathrooms should have music or ambient noise to prevent the awkward discomfort of hearing the plop-plop of your neighbor, and vice versa.

– In this freezing cold weather, a lot of people are wearing those winter/ski face masks all over the city. Everywhere I look it’s like a Scorpion/Sub-Zero fan club just let out.

surprisingly, most new yorkers also choose to cut off their sleeves.

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