cowardly crew of cutthroats

Alabama Shakes sounds like a particularly bad bout of diarrhea.

She knows what I’m talkin’ about.

– As I was walking down the street, a utility van was trapped in between a large truck and a yellow taxi. It being an exceptionally nice day for February, the utility driver’s window was rolled down and he bellowed, “GIMMIE SOMETHING!!!” This was one of the loudest, most guttural screams I have ever experienced. The taxi driver remained oblivious.

– I’ve made it a point to use “dastardly” in a sentence while not sounding like a jackass at least once a day. Not as easy as one would think.

“Those dastardly Chinese bike delivery guys and their….. no that doesn’t work.”

– Joel McHale and Chelsea Handler are on E every night.

– It is a daily occurrence in this city to see a pile of vomit, in various stages of decomposition, while walking anywhere.

– Let’s end this internet thing where people caption shit, “PROOF that good people still exist in the world” or “PROOF that gentleman are still out there” or “PROOF that God works in mysterious ways”. It’s like, okay, we get it. You’ve lost all faith in humanity until this Youtube video came along and acted as a glimmer of sunlight in the dark and hopeless dungeon that has become your life.

– When DJs want to relax or cut loose, do you think they prefer to sit in silence?

– I wish there was a whole sect of DJs that played ambient noises or nature sounds at events. They’d get on the mic and say, “And now for this hot new track from Sounds of the Amazon, this shit is FIRE!! Literally, it’s a natural brush fire…”

“Let the sizzle and crackle move y’all!”

– The below ad came up on Pandora. First of all, what keywords did Google harvest from my browser for me to deserve this? Second of all, I wish I could read that article and know that it wasn’t a fake ass lie trying to get me to buy some sort of timeshare in Arizona. I’ll bet the article says, “Step One: Lack of fresh air…which you can get at Scottsdale Resorts!”

The ad should go a step further and say, "You already HAVE Cancer, click here to learn more."
The ad should go a step further and say, “5 signs you already have died of Cancer.”

– My voice is SO good that when a song pops into my head I can Shazam it.

– I don’t think I’ve been as bored with anything as I am with the current state of my iTunes library. Even on Random I’m like, “next…….next…….next……..(gunshot).”

– Homeless men passed out on the street = excellent target for a “People’s Elbow”

“Wake up, Jabroni!”

– On the fourth visit of Christopher Columbus to the Americas, he presented cocoa beans to the Spanish Court.  King Ferdinand and Queen Isabelle were not impressed and dismissed the chocolate as bizarre tribal concoctions. True dat missed opportunity fact yo!

“God dammit Chris how many times do we have to tell you, we ONLY care about gold! Quit bringing us these plants and dirt and shit. We don’t give a shit!”

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