“the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.”

– I can always tell when new acquaintances are getting used to me based on their reaction to my random voices. For example, when I whip out the gay latino man (a la Birdcage) and they no longer bat an eyelash…they understand me.

Mike, I just asked you to pass me the salt. You don’t have to do this whole, “act”.

– Throwback Thursday: a weekly holiday for people that used to be attractive.

– The weirdest thing about ghost stories on TV is that after the house is cleansed and the oppressive spirit is diminished, most homeowners say that from time to time, they still have some incidents of haunting. Not the intense, scary shit from before but more of a random reminder that the spirit is still there (e.g. a desk moving, a door closing or footsteps when no one else is home). It’s funny how quickly the homeowner has evidently made peace with the entity.

Whereas before they were petrified of the ghost, they now smile and almost refer to the apparition like a harmless old dog.  Because the priest had quelled the truly evil ghost the resident seemingly has no problem living with a friendly ghost that occasionally moves their furniture around.

“I used to be frightened by the ghost, but now I’m comforted by him. When I randomly hear him pacing violently upstairs, I know things are gonna be okay.”

Would you like living with a spirit that used to be evil as shit but now hangs around like a meek, introverted roommate? I certainly would not.

– If I was ever in a band, I would sing with a thick British accent like the guy from Bloc Party. This would make my obscure lyrics seem a little more credible.

{sings}                                                                “Hardwood floors of agony burn as fireman sleep in the twilight of yesterday. yaaaaa yaaaaa!”

– You know you have a problem when your farts quickly go from room temperature to warm to HOT.

– I feel like gyms are places where you can really get away with doing some crazy shit. For example, I’m willing to bet that you could lay flat on your face for 20-minutes and no one would say a word. They would think you were targeting some muscle and doing an exercise that they had never heard of. You probably could go a step further and hump the floor repeatedly and not be disturbed  As long as you look serious about it, no one would think twice. Shit, once you get up someone would probably take your spot.

“That looks like a killer lower-ab workout.”

YouTube should change it’s name to Skip Ad in 5s. because that’s what people do on that site now.

– I saw a woman on the train reading probably the smallest book ever printed. It was a copy of The Bible that couldn’t have been more than 4 inches tall with print in size 5-font. Because it was The Bible, she looked content reading it but must have been in some extreme ocular discomfort. Get a larger book for Christ’s sake! (pun intended)

The table of contents alone spans 723 pages

– The TSA has just said that they will now allow knives on flights again. Smaller things like pocket knives and wine openers and shit are now okay to carry on. My question: why??? Why not leave that off forever? So, we can bring on sharp weapons but a sealed bottle of contact solution is worthy of a stern conversation? That my friends is this weeks edition of POPPYCOCK! 

– When Obama took office he and his family had to leave their actual home in Illinois to move into the White House. I wonder who is in charge of maintaining his real house? Some intern or maybe a neighbor that checks in from time to time? Who raked the leaves in the fall to keep up the neighborhood appearance and who randomly flushes the toilets to make sure the house doesn’t smell like sulfur?

little Jimmy Matheson made 10 bucks for his hard work every Wednesday after school.

– I was walking down the street in Queens and spotted a helicopter flying lower than normal. As I brought my eyes back to street level, I saw a 40-year old Asian woman excitedly waving at the chopper. I kept watching her as she continued to behave like a 3-year old kid waving at a firetruck or something. She was waving as if they could see her, it was kind of creepy. This was my face:

“Come on now.”

– Sometimes I wake up in the morning and am freezing cold from either my fan or my A/C. Instead of getting up and turning off the machine like a rational person, my half asleep mind encourages me to pull my comforter completely over my body and hide underneath it.

– When Police Officers get to work and head to the locker room, do you think they put a lock on their lockers? I’d like to think that they don’t worry too much about their coworkers stealing their iPod’s but ya never know.

“Okay, which one of you took my Insulin??? Seriously, I need that!”

– On the train today, I saw a guy reading The Communist Manifesto. Something that, if done openly about 50 years ago, would have resulted in some seriously dirty looks, a call to the police and a lengthy trial full of angry white people smoking cigarettes.

After he inserted his bookmark, he promptly raped and killed 4 passengers.
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2 thoughts on ““the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.””

  1. Pingback: Body Building

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