accused of tom petty larceny

– I woke up to birds chirping this morning and my first thought was, “I wonder where I can buy a plastic Owl to put on my fire escape?” That will shut them up pretty damn quick. Unfortunately, not many stores sell plastic Owls in New York City.

It’s the birds…they’re….they’re getting…SMARTER.

– “This summer we are putting the DIE….in Diner”: slogan of my unwritten horror movie that takes place in a restaurant.

– Why is Suretainly not a word?

– I read in the BBC that a dude in Canada had a knife in his back for three years and didn’t know about it. Here is how it happened: the guy got into a drunken bar fight after an arm wrestling match and was stabbed five times. This further cements my idea of what a saloon in Canada must be like on the weekend.

According to the victim, this is the Canadian that stabbed him in the barfight.

– If I was the employer of some of the girls that keep popping up on my FB wall I would be like, “Let me get this straight…so, I’ve hired an Account Assistant that flys to Miami and dresses up like a neon colored prostitute to attend an Electronic Music Festival?? Oh, well…let me fix that.”

– Don’t you hate it when someone else’s phone clearly vibrates on a table but everyone in the area still double checks to make sure it wasn’t theirs? Like, c’mon.

“Was it mine??? No?? I still want to LOOOOOOOK!”

– Regarding the above picture, clearly from the movie Saw, why didn’t this character take off his shirt and lasso the shit out of that cell phone? Cutting your own leg off isn’t necessary if you have something called ingenuity.

– Sometimes throughout the course of life you retain bits of random things. For example something someone said, a jingle, a smell, a slogan – something that isn’t important and should have been forgotten but, for some reason, hasn’t. One such thing for me I remember very vividly. I was a little kid, watching TV at my grandparent’s house when a promo for an upcoming special came on. The screen was a bunch of clouds and a blue sky as the narrator very clearly said, “Next week we’ll discuss….Is the sky as high as you think it is?” My little kid mind was intrigued and really wanted to know! As an 8-year old I firmly believed that it couldn’t be that high and would love to hear some evidence reaffirming my beliefs.

– A lot of times when people pop up on my FB I think to myself, “Wait…who the fuck is this person?”

– For any Veteran with PTSD, passing a KIA dealership must be especially irksome.

– I went to a Hard Rock Cafe at Yankee Stadium yesterday to grab a beer. Honestly, it was the lamest Hard Rock I have ever been to in my life. Seriously, the only discernable piece of Rock n Roll memorabilia was a drum kit from Lenny Kravitz’s drummer. Really Yankees Hard Rock??? That’s all you could come up with?? Lenny Kravitz’s drummer?? That’s like getting a guitar from Ricky Martin’s backup band or the extension cord from Metallica’s opening act.

"Come on now. At least get some Phil Collins shit up in here."
“Come on now Hard Rock. At least get some Huey Lewis shit up in here.”

– Farting on a treadmill is a cruel illusion. Your body thinks it is running away, but your mind knows it cannot escape.

– If you wear contacts, you know that when they get too old your eyes become agitated. One tends to live with this agitation a few days before finally switching them out for a new pair. I wish there was a more blatant indication that it was time to change your lenses. Perhaps, the worn out contacts forced the wearer to begin weeping uncontrollably for a minute? We would be at a Pizza Hut, having fun and I would start crying and then say, “Welp, I know what I have to do when I get home.”

“Hmmmm, what to get at Burger Kin……DAMN THESE CONTACTS!”

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