“i don’t wanna be late when it’s my own celebration.”

– I think people make more puns on Good Friday than they do any other day throughout the year. “I hope YOU have a Good Friday.” or the ever present, “Have a Good Friday but a GREAT weekend!” or my personal favorite…

“So come on down to T.G.I. Friday’s because, in here, it’s always a GOOD Friday.

– To me, Mt. Kilimanjaro always sounded like one lethally ghetto-ass mountain.

“Shit, I’ll Kiliman, I’ll Kiliwoman, motha fucka I’ll Kilichild if they come at me. COME AT ME. SCALE ME, BRO”

– I never noticed how often one uses the word “whore” when saying things like, “Who’re you talking to?” or, “Who’re you going to the the dance with?”

– I just so happened to be strolling past a hospital yesterday afternoon when I came upon a pile of trash. As I continued walking I found, scattered about the sidewalk, a whole bunch of discarded syringes! Some of them were opened while others were still in their plastic packaging. I thought to myself that this couldn’t be good for the hospital’s lawyer BUT was about to be great for some unsuspecting homeless junkie that was, until now, down on his luck.

“Please tell me they weren’t from the TB ward… oh, c’mon!!”

– Instead of urinal cakes, bathrooms should have pads that also double as optical illusions. For example one would read, “Stare at the red dot for 30 seconds then look at the urinal wall…what do you see??” Depending on the specific urinal it could be a racecar, a naked woman, the virgin mary, etc. Also, a coworker had the idea of peeing into a slot that carries it down a twisting and turning “waterslide” that also moved gears and mills. Investors??? Anyone??

– It’s weird when you think about it but probably everything you eat was, at one time, in the back of a truck somewhere.

– Whilst riding my bike in Brooklyn, I saw a woman riding an elliptical. Yes, an elliptical. I thought those machines were limited to gyms but it seems that doesn’t stop those damned innovative beatniks.

 on his way to get laid

– You know your day is going to be bad when you order an iced coffee and, before you even pay the bill, the ice has melted.

– I get a weird allergic reaction when bitten by a spider that entails the area in question to blow up to 5-times the regular size. A lot of times, I will wake up in the middle of the night as if from a nightmare, and feel a newly minted bite behind my ear or on my back. Let’s just say this, waking up to a spider bite in the middle of the night is like stepping into a mental spiral. More questions arise than there are answers for: what bit me? where is it? when did it happen? is it safe to go back to sleep? where is the web? are there more? I proceed to check my clothes, my sheets, my pillow cases. Then, I lay back in bed genuinely frightened to fall asleep  an easy target.

– Jet Skis a.k.a. Venetian Motorcycles

think about it.

– I hate bar bathrooms that don’t have a mirror. I mean really, you only have a few design choices to make in that room. I imagine them with a  3-item checklist like, “Toilet check, sink check, mirror……… ah, we’ll get to that one later.” I then ask myself why they don’t have a mirror and the one conclusion I inevitably reach is that they don’t want drunk dudes to break it into pieces and use it as a weapon. A reasonable concern.

– I encountered a bartender that looked exactly like Jude Law. Knowing this, I began to ask a stranger at the bar what celebrity people thought she most resembled, I then asked my friend. After their answers, I posed the question to the barkeep who quickly responded, “well, I get one all the time.” At which point I said, “…..I think we can all guess.”

He works Sunday’s until close.

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