find me in the watery deep

23 05 2013

– I am currently reading Jean Paul-Sartre’s classic work of existential fiction, Nausea. In my attempts to better understand the theory of existentialism, I have taken it upon myself to ask as many people as I can to define the theory. Sure enough I found myself in a darkly lit biergarten in Williamsburg sitting opposite a complete stranger as jazz music could be heard faintly in the other room. His answer inspired two adjacent strangers to provide their insight, and then, finally, another man chimed in. The table was in the midst of some real thought  and heated discourse and I couldn’t help but feel like I had sparked one of those scenes from a history book. Ya know, the kind where intellectuals meet in a dingy bar and discussed topics like politics, philosophy, revolution and religion. Then we all checked our Instagrams.

I’m the guy in the red

– Whilst watching TV last night an infomercial for a retractable hose came on. For some reason, unbeknownst to this writer, the inventor decided to call his product the, “Pocket Hose”. The first and most glaring issue is that this product simply cannot fit into one’s pocket. Furthermore, why would anyone want to carry a hose in their pants as they go about their day. This inevitably leads us to the second major problem which is that “pocket hose” has most certainly been the name for thousands of men’s penis’ across countless generations.

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“This is the Pocket Hose flaccid! Now imagine just how long it extends when fully engorged with water!”

– C-Port: perfect name for a coffee-shop/internet cafe within a cruise ship.

– Using a broken mouse is a lot like trying to run in a dream. You want to go faster but it’s just not gonna happen.

– Foursquare should change it’s name to A Valid Alibi

“Just because my client checked-in at ‘Shallow Grave’ does not indicate that he had anything to do with the actual murd…. (to judge) your honor, the defense requests a 30-min recess.

– Due to the recent success of Nat Geo’s new program Brain Games, the Lifetime Network is launching their own version called Mind Games. The pilot episode would be called, “What did I do?!?!?”

After the commercial break, find out the science of the silent treatment and the origins of the phrase, “I’m fine, really.”

– While sitting outside, a group of men sat down and began eating their lunch. A few minutes later I am caught off guard as a neighboring woman exclaims, “THAT BIRD IS EATING YOUR SANDWICH!” Sure enough, a bird was eating the man’s sandwich. Considering they didn’t know each other, the man tuned the woman out and the woman, feeling that she had done her part, didn’t repeat her warning. The bird, on the other hand, went about his business and emerged on top.

– The Civil Rights issue of “separate but equal” can be summed up with piano keys.

                                                                                                                          

look familiar?

– I don’t like to think that insects practice religion, but if they did, I’m willing to bet that MOSQUito’s are Muslim.

– What did lonely men do at bars before the invention of the cellphone? Read newspapers? Smoke cigarettes? Wallow in personal anguish?

“It’s weird how I can see the tile through this.”

 

– My sister said that my hair was so long that it looked like I was wearing a toupee. That cut to the core of me. I’ve been thinking about that for 3 days, wondering if that is how I look to people.

this week Mike is….apparently

– Do NYPD officers get an email every morning with their daily assignment like, “Okay, you and Sgt. Martinez are to lean against a fence near the 1st Avenue L Train today for 8 hours. Just, uhhh…keep an eye out.”

Officer D’Antonio wishes he could check his Vine.

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