it’s not much, but it’s somethin’

5 06 2013

– I don’t think movie theaters have been informed that the rest of the country has established a standard for soft drink sizes. “Medium”, for example, is not a 2-liter horse bucket that costs the better part of $10. It’s a lot like when railroads were new and different companies made different track sizes. Movie theaters….standardize your track.

The President was recently heckled by a disgruntled woman while addressing the American people. Talking down to President Obama takes some serious balls but do you think she would have been able to talk shit to, say, Andrew Jackson? Hell no. She’d have been thrown to the Comanche’s before you could say Guan-tan-amo.

“Oh, no don’t worry about it lady – I’m just making a public address. Please, go on. No, no, no, go ahead. What were you saying?”

– Rexting: when dinosaurs send interpersonal messages over the phone.

– I always find it weird when I see people in gyms working out with glasses on. I suppose they have no other choice. I mean really, how hard can you push yourself if your sweaty frames are sliding all up and down your face?

– If I was Haitian, my screenname would most certainly be Port-Au-PrinceCharming.

“Bonjour, you lookin’ fine as hell.”

I want to be the first to create the reverse umbrella here is how it would work: on hot days, you deploy my umbrella and it actually sprays cool mist onto you as it shields you from the sun. The water tank would be stored in the handle and can be easily refilled. Not only are you walking in the shade but refreshing mist encapsulates you as you go about your business.

For the more adventurous consumer, the umbrella tank could be easily filled with your favorite alcohol or liquid LSD. Day drinking??? More like day INHALING!

Need a lift on a cold morning?? Fill up the tank with some extra strong coffee or hot chocolate. I know what you’re thinking, “But Mike, if I inhale hot coffee, won’t it get my face and clothes dirty before work??” The answer is most assuredly no, all you have to do is fill the tank with a little laundry detergent and you are good to go.

Kickstarter investors…anyone???………..guys?

– I went to see The Great Gatsby last night and I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was nice to be transported to a time of excess, glamour, and style. That being said, one could imagine the depressing reality whence I entered the movie theater men’s room and witnessed about 5 guys in line waiting to piss, checking their iPhones and each wearing a different, yet similarly patterned, button down. Ah, to be alive in the glamorous roaring 2013’s.

– Hey Washington D.C.: you can’t just write the names of American corporations in Chinese and expect people to believe they are in Chinatown.

you can just feel the ancient culture.

– Some asshole in my office building has taken it upon himself to take massive shits in the toilet, wipe, and not flush. Who does that?? I might want to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that, perchance, they “forgot” to flush. This conclusion cannot be reached considering the serial nature of their “attacks”.

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