– I want to make a Revolutionary War themed porn entitled The British Are Coming. For those with a premature ejaculation fetish, be sure to check out The British Are Coming Too Quickly.
– LinkedIn is the working man’s version of 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon
– A mellow guy puts the dude in subdued.
– Applebee’s new presumptuous slogan is, “See you tomorrow!” What if I have plans tomorrow, dog? I was actually on my way out the door to see you tonight, but I guess my business can wait? Is that what you want Applebees?
Applebee’s should seriously remix the beginning of the below song to their advantage:
– Hey stupid new Gentleman Jack commercial, you can’t just have the actor say the word “gentleman” excessively to coax us into thinking that it’s definition is somehow linked with your product. And, if you do have an actor that we are supposed to subconsciously associate with gentlemanly deeds, don’t cast “the black smoke” from LOST. Additionally, if you are going to try and sell us on the gentlemanly nature of your bourbon don’t blatantly plagiarize Ketel One and 1800 Tequila’s already beaten dead horse of “mildly pissed off guy sits at randomly placed desk” genre.
– I love those shows where they bring troubled teens into dangerous local prisons as part of the “Scared Straight” program. What I find funny is that, for once, the prison guards and inmates actually work together. It’s a lot like when a super hero and a villain are fighting and then, at that moment, something so profoundly dangerous threatens them both (e.g. alien invasion, treacherous waterfall, dropping into a bottomless pit) that they actually connect and help each other in the face of greater trouble. Well, “Scared Straight” is a lot like that except with prison guards and convicted rapists and drug dealers.
Furthermore, “Scared Straight” programs should merely be the largest man in prison walks into a room, disrobes, and the children have to watch as he becomes fully erect. I’ll bet they won’t come back.
“Scared Straight” sounds like a religious TV program that attempts to frighten homosexuality out of Mid-West teens.
– What is the state of the world when a YouTube comment on a Green Day video asks, “Who are these guys and have they been signed yet?”
– Over the weekend I spent some time with my Dad in Boston. While at a restaurant, I left my phone on the table as I made a trip to the bathroom. Several minutes after my return I discovered that my phone was missing and proceeded to check my pockets frantically. It was at this point that my Dad decided to teach his 25 year old son a lesson, “You should never leave your phone out of your sight.” Ya know, I thought that I could take the risk considering that my own trustworthy father was keeping watch, but I was mistaken. He proceeded to teach me this lesson 4 more times throughout the weekend.
– If I owned a dance studio I would make t-shirts that said, “You can’t spell ballerina without baller.”
– Why must my gym staff insist upon shaking my hand as I exit? Don’t they realize that the last thing they should be touching is my sweaty right hand following a humid workout coupled with many forehead wipes? Word to my gym staff: no touching.